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Sunday, March 13, 2011

The Relationship Application

Back in my early 20’s I used to joke around about how I was going to make men apply for the position of being my love interest. Now that I am in my 40’s I find the idea not so funny anymore but almost a necessity! We apply for jobs. We apply for college. We apply for the military. We apply for most important things in our lives that could be life altering! Why not have a LOVE APPLICATION?
Now we won’t want to put every one we date through these paces by any means but if you begin to think he or she may be “the one”, then asking the following questions is not a bad idea before you show all your cards! 
If I were going to construct an application for potential suitors this is some what it would contain:
What is your current employment status?  - I realize that money is not everything but it sure does help cut back on life’s little stress factors. If you are thinking of having a family you will need to have a good income or one you can depend on from your future life mate! Knowing a person’s career path does not only tell you what their viable income is but also lets you know if they are in an industry that has growth potential or if they may be at risk of losing their employment! It also lets you know a little bit about them as a person as well! Aside from asking what they do ask them if they enjoy it, if they plan to make any career changes and how long they have been in their current job and field! 
Ask about their romantic background - I cannot stress the importance of this one! Knowing this BEFORE you fall head over heels is very crucial! Do they have a clingy ex? Are the REALLY over the ex? Do they have kids with anyone and if so do they function well as parents? Who hurt them the most and how? How long ago was their last long term relationship? How long did it last? What is their dating style? What age did they begin to date? How many one night stands have they had? You can think of a million questions with this one but try to keep it to a few of the most important ones to you at that time. You can gather more info later on! 
Ask them where they want to live later in life and what kind of family they want - this can cover if they want to have children, or more children if either of you already have some. If they are happy living in the town you are in or if they have goals to move to another place down the road, even if in retirement! It would suck to find out his dream location for retirement is Florida and your thinking Colorado! Kids are a huge consideration! You may want to have a brood of baby you and thems running around while your mate may want to fly like an eagle and view children only as a financial or emotional burden! Be careful this area matches up! If they already have kids pay VERY close attention to how much involvement they play in their children’s lives! If their kids are grown find out how involved they where before they were out of the nest! Especially if you want kids with them too! This is very easy to overlook or make excuses for in today’s society people want to blame their ex for keeping them from their kids. Trust me when a parent wants to be in the lives of their children the WILL BE at any cost! 
What kind of spender and saver are they? - If you are frugal and love to only shop the sales and he or she is the kind to go out and drop 100.00 on the hippest new wallet you may have money issues later on! Matching up in the spending and saving area is important as we know forever couples have argued about money! 
Faith, Religion, Beliefs - This area is becoming more foggy these days as more people either find a new faith or lose faith all together. People also can be very happy within separate faiths as well. Just be sure that both of you can appreciate and respect each other’s belief or religious system first! Even if neither want to convert a level of respect must exist for the other’s faith! 
Political and Social Views - Are they racist? Do they care about animals? Do they give to charity? Do they support the war? Do they care about global warming? Do they vote democrat, republican, etc ... Do YOU care about any of it? You may find out too late that you clash with your loved one on something very central to your heart! If you are very passionate about anything social or political be sure to ask about this up front! It is so easy to get caught up in the feelings of the new budding romance and these things are sneakers that will rock the foundation really fast! 
Decorating Style - this one is actually not my idea but that of a clergy member from a church I went to many years ago! It was a question asked on his own pre-martial counseling session list. If you love modern design and your mate loves new age eclectic style decor are both of you willing to merge styles or make some kind of agreement? Maybe he gets to decorate the down stairs with a mid-eastern flair and you want to take over the bedrooms and baths upstairs with a turn of the century look! That works fine if you both are willing to merge your styles but just keep in mind that this can be a very important area for everyone in your family! The home is where the heart is and central to the family core.
I like the number 7 so I will stop there - besides we all get bored with long articles! 
My point though should be clear. If it is anything that can come up and bite you in the rears later on - get it on the table NOW. Why go beyond five dates before you begin to really know someone on a deep enough level to determine if you should even consider sharing a life with them? So many of us really do go on gut instinct and “feelings” tossing all caution to the wind and logic be damned! Its time for everyone to consider real life situations and possibilities because as badly as we all want to be with our live mate soul mate we are more often than not finding our challenging life lesson soul mates! 
This may seem extreme but with more and more people meeting online and developing strong relationships sometimes even before meeting in person it is necessary! I will tell you exactly what I tell my 16 year old daughter ... “If he wants to be with YOU bad enough, he will answer the questions you ask of him!” 
If your potential love mate thinks your questions are silly, kick him or her to the curb! 
You have a right to know who you are getting into bed with be that figuratively or literally! 
Granted people can change, and change their mind about some of their core feelings and beliefs after being with someone in a happy relationship for a long period of time. Maybe you can persuade him or her to retire in YOUR dream location but you both have a right to know what each of you are getting into! However more often than not these types of things DO harm a relationship and if most of these areas do not line up there won’t be a happy relationship anyway. Don’t try to change someone in every aspect of their life just because you think you love them! That is not love if you want to set out to change everything that they are! That is only chemistry which is only attraction and at the best great passion! Passion can run two ways - through great loving making and desire and also in anger and resentment but just because you may have this cool avant-garde rock star romance does not mean you will be truly happy together! 
With love, 


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