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Monday, January 31, 2011

The Anatomy of the Broken Heart

Almost all of us have had our heart broken a time or two.
We all go through the same stages of pain, anger, regret, resentment, and so on.
The questions go through our minds:
Why didn’t they love me as much as I loved them?
What could I have done different?
What did I do wrong?
Is there someone else?
Will they change their mind?
Do we have a chance still?
Do they miss me at all?
What are they doing now?
Do they have any regrets?
The list goes on and on.
Our human psyche drives us to ponder these questions and sometimes pondering can lead toward obsession over these questions.
While we may think that we loved them so much and would have done anything for that person what we are really showing is our own self absorption! 
Its a given - wether we want to accept it or not, that we are not suited for every person out there and sometimes it’s not us, it’s them.
While we are sitting there dissecting what went wrong, what we could have done different, or better, to hold onto this person we are becoming more and more about self and less and less about that person we supposedly love oh so much.
Another thing to take into consideration is the fact that we may be and most likely are allowing for that other person to validate us or give us our own perspective of self. 
Being rejected, or not given back the love we had tried to give is not the sum of our existence nor does it place our self value on us! 
A confident, self assured person will not allow for unrequited love to break us down to crying mess standing in a pile of our own goo! 
When love is not returned it can be a symptom of many problems in that other person or a symptom of many problems within ourselves or simply can be that the two people did not “click”.  It takes two to click by the way and just because you did does not mean the other person did no matter how much you may feel it to be so. 
Once the heart is broken there are different paths that one can take. 
One is to become obsessed with the WHY’S, the other is inner reflection, contemplation, finding the core issues, resolving them and then in a healthy way moving forward. 
This brings up a word that is totally over used, over rated, and completely in my list of least favorite words. That word is CLOSURE. Many of us have this incorrect idea that closure takes both people. While in the best case scenario that is a wonderful thing more often than not in the case of a break up it is not likely to happen. More often than not when I have someone I am working with in the obsessive path of a heart break, it is due to not getting the closure they need and insisting they need that other person to get it. 
Closure can come from many faucets of ourselves. We must take time to be still and look at the situation not through the lovey dovey eyes of a lovesick puppy dog thinking that this person was God’s gift to the earth but we must seriously consider their downfalls, our downfalls and how the two energies were like oil and water. We can love someone with all our hearts but not be healthy for them and vice versa! We may be on totally different paths in our lives, they may have duty to a previous family, or worse, one they are currently involved in such as a married lover etc. When someone stops wanting us in our lives that does not mean they stopped loving us necessarily, nor that they never did, although yes, sometimes that may be the case. 
True love does not mean we get to be with them. True love does not mean they can change their life path for us, nor should we for them. True love does not mean that the love should be returned even! This does not make us less lovable or less valuable as a person nor does it mean we will never love again! 
I often hear “I will never be able to love anyone else!” I like to change this statement to say “I will never be able to love anyone else the same way again.” 
No two loves are ever the same, you will never feel the exact same flutterings, the exact same butterflies, the exact same emotions. You WILL feel new ones, different ones, and different is not a bad thing! 
Just because the color of butterflies that come to your flower bed are different this year does not mean you cannot enjoy their beauty as much as the ones you saw last year! 
When you are going through a broken heart take time to heal. Step back away from the extreme emotions and ask yourself if you allowed this person to place a value on your love! Your love has a value unlike anyone else’s and you are deserving of that love to be returned equally! For whatever reason this person was unable to give back to you that does not mean that your love was worth nothing! Each person that comes into our lives phases us. And you phase each person you love in your life! You do not know what affect your love had on this person who was unable to give their love back! You may have healed them, helped them, encouraged them to grow in some way and THAT is the “value” of your love! Then ask yourself what YOU got from the experience other than a broken heart! Sure your hurting, and you miss them but you must be able to think of something positive this person gave to you, some lesson, some feeling, some hope, some idea, something positive that they provided you through the experience even though the experience as a whole did not work out the way you had wished. And no I will not accept I LOVE THEMMMMMM as your one positive thing! Love in and of itself should be positive - generally is - unless all you end up with is a broken heart and nothing more to say about the time you spent in this person’s life! If all you can say is I LOVEEE THEMMM and there is nothing more to add toward the positivity of the relationship and the time you did have with them then clearly you were in a relationship that would not have been positive had they returned the love equally to you! That is a clear and decisive way to see the relationship was NOT in fact a good one or meant to be no matter how you FEEL. 
There is so much more to a relationship then the love you feel for someone. There is like mindedness, there is common goals, there is similarity in the way you want to build your family, there are interests you share, there are conversations that take place that teach us things about ourselves about what drives us, what we want to focus on, what we can learn from the other person. These are the things that will leave us with a positivity after the relationship is over so we CAN in fact look back and realize that our love was not a waste, and that in a small way was returned even if not at the level we so desired, and if none of this took place then your LOVE was merely based on passion or desire, which is often confused for true LOVE. 
When all this can be looked at in a reasonable and rational manner, usually after a good few days or a week of crying and mourning, then we can see where we were valued and not completely rejected. Then we are on track for closure! 
Sure there are times we will be outright used, neglected and rejected. It does happen, sometimes we are completely unwitting to the fact is is going down, other times we go into something with blinders on even though we know there is no way this person truly could care just by the way they speak to us, treat us, but we allow it to continue. This article is not going to help much in that case because outright rejection is outright rejection - I would have to write another article for that situation. For the most part however, for those of you going through the process of a broken heart I suggest that you allow the mourning time for yourself. It is okay to be on a pity pot for a while. It is our human need to vent, cry, be angry, resentful, in pain, etc but at some point we must continue forward and when you are ready to do so try to step back and look at everything with a clear mind set. 
Stop blaming yourself or the other person entirely. Give credit where credit is due, realize both of your short comings, and do not allow an unrequited love to sum up your self worth! 
If you are dealing with a broken heart and truly ready to HEAL and not obsess about the person who could not love you back then instead of getting psychic readings talk to a counselor or get life coaching! Psychic readings only enable the individual to continue to focus on things such as:
Does he miss me? 
Is he thinking about me?
Will we get back together?
While a therapist or life coach can help you look at the dynamics of self and the other person to understand why things did not work in the way you had desired. 
They can help you find clarity and healing and work with you through the steps of mourning so you can come out of the relationship empowered, enlightened and the best you possible! This can also aid you in your next relationship. 
I am a life coach and a psychic reader so I have clients on both ends of the spectrum and there is validity in some of the questions listed above. Sometimes there is a chance of getting back with our ex. Some differences can be worked out, and sometimes misunderstands are the reason why someone left us or we left them, however if you are in a situation where you know its over and truly want to move forward but feel stuck then let me know and we can work on the closure you need! 
Love
Azzrian Visions 

allvoices

2 comments:

  1. Hey Azz,
    I think this article was specifically for me.
    I think I shall email you.

    I need you right now

    ReplyDelete
  2. Will look for your email babe. xox

    ReplyDelete

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Huggs
Azzrian

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