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Monday, May 31, 2010

He Said She Said

This is what men say to us and what we then say to ourselves (in our heads and hearts)

He said - I just want some time with my friends.
She said - He must not love me, why can’t he ask me to go along?

He said - Wow the day flew by.
She said - Wow, he didn’t miss me at all!

He said - I love you.
She said - I wonder if he loves me as much as I love him.

He said - I’m just wanting to be casual.
She said - I can change that.

He said - I’m gonna be home late after hanging with the guys but if you want to meet up around 2am thats cool.
She said - Awesome! He IS thinking about me, misses me and I AM important to him!

He said - I need some space.
She said - How long before I should call him?

He said - I want to see other people.
She said - What’s wrong with me?

He said - I just have to get my career on track before I can commit.
She said - As soon as he feels secure he is going to marry me.

There, thats enough examples.

Okay so it is something we do. We are told one thing and twist it into another.
Either toward an overly optimistic point of view or a totally negative one.
We need to learn to LISTEN and take things for what they are instead of trying to make them what we want to hear or what we fear hearing.

Lets examine the examples:

He said - I just want some time with my friends.
She said - He must not love me, why can’t he ask me to go along?
Alright so he wants to hang with the guys. Why should this worry us? Well if he has used this excuse before and it WAS actually an excuse then sure you should be worried but more so you should be OUT of the relationship! 
BUT if he just honestly likes to go be with his friends sometimes thats okay and you can not make it about him not loving you! Sure if all the other guys are bringing their wives and girl friends along there is reason to pause but to make this about him not loving you enough is just wrong. His love for you should not be equated to him needing personal space or time with friends. When you to to the mall or for coffee with the girls does that mean you do not love HIM enough? If you do not go out without him and only spend every waking moment of your life with him then you have made him the center of your universe and that can irritate anyone and make them want time away from you. 
You need to ask yourself honestly if this is an issue of trust or low self esteem. 
It surely is not an issue of how much he loves you! The relationship has a much deeper problem than love or lack thereof. 
Either he is being smothered and really just wants some SPACE or he is lying to you OR none of the above is going on he HONESTLY just wants time with his friends and you are making a MUCH bigger deal out of it than necessary! The real issue lies in that all three of these possible reasons lead to problems in the relationship! 
 You have to ask yourself am I just insecure in ME and worry that he will have more fun with them than with me or his life is more rich than mine? Or is he cheating on you and avoiding you? The signs are there, trust me they are. However relationships take risk and honesty and if you have not caught him lying and have nothing but your fears of it then you need to relax, sit back and try to not ruin what you have with him due to those fears in the process of finding out the truth. Just don’t make it about yourself and you won’t BE that clingy insecure and smothering girlfriend or wife he WANTS to avoid! 
He said -  Wow the day flew by.
She said - Wow, he didn’t miss me at all! 
Alright - so you were apart all day and you were missing him terribly and when you get home or talk to him he says he was so busy the day just wizzed by! You immediately feel hurt and insulted. How could he say that? How can a day apart fly by? Was he not thinking about me? Did he not miss me? Was I not in his heart? Of course he thought of you, and perhaps those thoughts of you GOT him through the day and helped the day go faster because he knew at the end of it you would be there for him! Perhaps his mind was so busy on work that he didn’t have time to think about you in the sense you are looking for. No he was not thinking about the wedding plans, or the romantic night before, he certainly did think of you however as he picked up your socks off the floor, or passed by your photo on his desk, thoughts of you will be there but deep intense focus on you simply may not be on any given day. Its ONE DAY! One day does not equate to the entire existence of your relationship. Some days none of us have time to THINK about anything - its all action and taking care of business and focus on the immediate thing in front of us. Loving someone is not about being obsessed with their every breath or waking moment. When this happens there is usually a deeper issue involving yourself. Perhaps you are not feeling as connected to him and fearing he is feeling the same. If your own devotion to him has been in question you may be deflecting your own feeling of disconnect or lack luster emotion onto him assuming if you are feeling he MUST be feeling it too! Perhaps you are looking for more from him and he has not been as attentive as of late so comments like this really sting. Whatever the cause you really need to understand that his comment is not ABOUT you or a lack of feelings for you. Some days just really go so fast that we don’t have time to catch a breath! Sometimes being apart helps build the feelings too! When two people are together day in and day out there needs to be some separation from each other at times. Everybody needs a little time away just to get their own center again. To have a little feeling of independence - this does not mean they do not love you but sometimes when only one person is feeling this need it can sting the person who does not. Try to understand everyone has their own bubble - their own need for either more space or less space - not everyone is going to have the same sized bubble.
He said - I love you.
She said - I wonder if he loves me as much as I love him.
This is a tough one because everyone loves in different ways. Trying to compare if he loves you as much as you love him or vice versa is really just a waste of energy that could be focused ON the relationship instead of the proverbial love meter!  See Article Here
Since everyone loves in different ways it is really impossible to think that your love is “more” or his love is “less” he may show his love for you through actions more than words - by doing things for you, massages, making your favorite snack, cuddling on the sofa etc. While you may be needing to hear it more in words - “I love you” “You are the only one for me” “You mean the world to me” etc. What you may NEED to feel he loves you as much as you love him may not be HIS manner in showing it and you could be missing all the signs! 
Why do this to yourself OR him for that matter? Your man is telling you he loves you why sit there dissecting how much? He will love you more for being secure and trusting in him and show it and say it more! 
He said - I’m just wanting to be casual.
She said - I can change that.
Okay this one really irks me. We meet a guy - we like them for who they are - then we want to change them lol. If you meet a great guy who has that devil may care edgy bad boy sexy thing going on and you like that about him and it makes you go ga-ga over him and you can’t control your hormones thats your issue lol you knew up-front who he was. Sure you may be the hottest thing on the market but he is who he is and when he says “I am just wanting to be casual” and you do not hear it and listen to it then you have no one to blame but yourself when he breaks your heart. You have two options. Enjoy the good times and great sex if thats involved and risk the heart break but OWN IT when it happens and let him go OR understand you are not the type to just be a good time gal and back away INSTANTLY. Don’t tell yourself you will pull away if you feel yourself falling for him - thats honestly a joke because by the time you KNOW its happening its already too late! Just do not do yourself the indignity of trying to change him, he won’t change nor should he have to! He was honest after all and not your average player who will lead you into thinking he is into you when he is not ever going to make a commitment and please for the love of all thats holy do not try to trick yourself into thinking he gave you false hope. A player is a player and rarely are they that hard to spot, most of them have far too big of an ego to hide it from obvious view but if you get a guy who really says to you outright he only wants to be casual - heed the warning! 
He said - I’m gonna be home late after hanging with the guys but if you want to meet up around 2am thats cool.
She said - Awesome! He IS thinking about me, misses me and I AM important to him! 
NO NO NO NO NO! He is NOT thinking about you and if he is he didn’t begin to think of you until about 15 mins before you called him or he called you! He just is running out of options - see article by  Ms LisaM
A man who really cares about you does not wait until 2am to ring you up or make plans with you. He really has put you on his OPTIONAL list and you are worth far more than being someone’s option. Now this does not really apply if you have been dating for a long time, are married, or living together and he is simply out on the town with the guys calling you to check in and tell you he is on his way HOME. But if you are just dating and getting to know each other and he does this it is a HUGE red flag. You are not important to him if he has to wait until 2am to pick up the phone! Important to you is respecting you may be sleeping at 2am. Respecting you is calling you and making a proper date with you. Thinking about you is sending you flowers to your work or an e-card on your email, or a call in the middle of the day JUST to say he is thinking of you! Thinking of you at 2am is thinking of you on your back in bed! 
He said - I need some space.
She said - How long before I should call him? 
This one is a sure sign that you are not really hearing what he is saying. The question should not be HOW LONG does he need the space but WHY does he need the space. There is a reason why he wants distance and it has to either be fixed or acknowledge it can’t be fixed. When someone says they need space that space should be given but not until both people understand why the space is being asked for or demanded. The time to talk about things is before the “break” occurs. Boundaries of respect also need established at this time as well. This is when you find out HOW LONG! Taking a “break” with no understanding of why or the rules of contact is a sure end to you looking at your cell phone constantly yelling at it to RING or you picking it up and dialing his number 20 times a day only to hang up before it can ring on his end because your not sure if he has had enough time yet or not. Don’t torture yourself like this. When someone needs or wants a break aka space, there IS a reason and it may be something you have done or not but to not know why is a huge problem. It is truly okay if someone just needs time to process their emotions thoughts and feelings and yes sometimes a break can do wonders and things can work out but it is usually those relationships that are already doomed to an end that cause the whole “how long” question to spring up. 

Perhaps HIS need for a break or space is because he needs YOU to work on YOUR side of things and it may have nothing to do with him whatsoever. Perhaps there is something he really needs you to work on but is afraid to tell you - this is  most often the case - and he just is hoping you figure it out - more often than not however when this is the reason for the request he is not likely to come back. 

What amazes me most is a lot of the time when someone asks for a break or space the other person is so afraid to ask why that they agree and end up not only not knowing when contact is to happen next but they don’t even know why the space was wanted! This is how people end up with that feeling of needing closure they are not going to get form the guy! 

Rules for a break / space request.

Calmly agree and then instantly ask if they can explain to you what they hope to discover on this break. 

Ask if the real issue is them needing time for themselves to explore their thoughts and feelings or if the break is needed because of something you have done, a behavior of yours or if perhaps they are not feeling the love anymore. 
It is ALWAYS better to find out and face the hard true facts than to wonder.
IF in case you get NO answer to this question and he refuses to communicate this to you then I can promise this relationship is over. He is a chicken looking for a way out! 

Tell him that while he is taking his space you too want to work on self and that if there are areas he would like you to focus on you will do so that way when the determined time to communicate about things comes up BOTH of you have done some soul searching! 
Agree to a time-line. 

IF he is being HONEST about JUST wanting some space then he will agree to this.

He also may agree to this and not follow through but either way you will have a DEFINITIVE answer either way.
  1. The contact date is upheld and you discuss things from there.
  2. He avoids, ignores and refuses contact. ITS OVER! 
Now A still leaves it open a bit but at least you and he can assess things at this point like reasonable people and yes someone may get hurt. It could be you because he requested said space to begin with but you may be surprised and find out you reflected on things and want to end it OR happy days you both missed each other and want to work on the relationship and stay together! 
End result is you either have a relationship or you have closure! And yes, him refusing your calls IS closure you just don’t want to see it that way because you still have feelings for him but it IS in fact closure because he CLOSED the door! Also if you got the info from him regarding WHY he needed the space then that would also be the WHY he is not taking your calls aka closure! KNOWING is closure not your feeling better about it. To digress, if he did NOT tell you WHY he wanted the space then the relationship was dead and over at that point anyway as you then should have been the one to call it over - thus another kind of closure at least - ego closure because you got to end it even if it still hurt but at least you kept your dignity! 
He said - I want to see other people.
She said - What’s wrong with me? 
Nothing is “wrong” with you - I mean aside from the fact we ALL have our down sides no one is perfect etc but nothing is wrong with you just because he does not want to commit to you or be with you only! Nothing is necessarily wrong with him either - sure you could have a guy who is in the eternal Peter Pan syndrome but some people just don't want to be in a commitment! Thats okay especially if they are up front about it! Don’t make it about yourself - that kind of low self worth stems from someone deeper within yourself and you may need to do some soul searching before even trying to be in a relationship anyway! 
He said - I just have to get my career on track before I can commit. 
She said - As soon as he feels financially secure he is going to marry me.
Ummmm no thats not what he said! He said his career comes first. The between the lines statement is once his career is on track he MIGHT commit and MAYBE it would be with you but thats a long stretch! This statement is often made when a man is trying to “buy time” is unsure of his feelings for you or just wants someone to play around with and has no intention of making any kind of commitment to you. Even if there is obvious evidence of the fact he works a lot and is very committed to his work it is still putting you on the side track not the fast track. Take this as a serious red flag here. Unless he has set a date even if it is out a year or two once he has passed the bar, obtained his masters or some other goal that has a set timeline or established deadline then there is NO promise here of ANYTHING from him! And as he sets that date for his GOAL he can also set a date for marriage! Engagements can be as long as necessary! Oh but be sure that he is excited enough to go public about it! Secret engagements until his success takes off is another way to keep you around without any security for yourself! 

Just don’t easily buy into this one ladies! Its usually a ruse!
Okay so overall here what we have examined is that we have a tendency to take things to extremes depending on our own core issues. Sometimes we think the worst because we feel a sense of low self worth. On the flip side sometimes we try to make things oh so much better than they are because we simply are unable to look at the reality of things.  
Now obviously sometimes we have a darn good reason to be concerned about our relationships but this article is not really to address that as much as it is to stop behaviors that sabotage our relationships and or ourselves. 
I have seen so many people destroy what is truly a very solid and stable loving relationship due to thoughts and fears like these. When we manufacture fears based on unreliable substance we get a product that simply can not withstand the tests of time. 

We have to be aware of what we are being told and process what we are hearing. 

We have to have a healthy mix of self confidence and reality. Selling ourselves on a dream of false hope is just as bad as always looking at every little thing in a negative light. 
Now sure we are all human and every now and then we may jump to a conclusion and it will be the wrong one, but if you are perpetually over analyzing every little thing your man is saying to you because you just KNOW he has to have some ulterior motive then something is seriously wrong about how you process information and you really need to get some guidance. On the other hand if you are in la-la land always taking things he says and shooting it up to the stars to light up the night sky with moonbeams when really all he said was “I like water and toast” you again have some deeper seeded issues you need to address. 
No offense to the guys who may have read this far but actually men are not usually for the most part that colorful, they usually say what is on their minds which unfortunately for them is what gets them into trouble often times. Rarely will a man say “I like steak” just to please you when in actuality he is a vegetarian. Okay that was a bit of an extreme example but you get my drift. It is us ladies who are more accommodating and have this innate nature to twist every thing we hear into what we want it to be and also will say things we really do not mean. Now yes I have come across many accommodating men through my career but it is about 1/1000 erring to the side of women being more likely to embellish, twist and misconstrue. It is the nurturing nature of women that make us this way yet that same nature grants us many beautiful gifts for ourselves and others, it just comes with the territory of being woman! The goal however is not to be misconstruing or embellishing to ourselves! 


Saturday, May 29, 2010

But if I Don't

But if I don’t ...
The most disempowering statements begin in this manner. 
We do it to ourselves time and again.
Listen to yourself.
Have you ever said anything like this:
“But if I don't call him he wont call me”
“But if I don’t sleep with him I could lose him!”
“But if I don't answer his text at 2 in the morning he could end up with someone else tonight”
“But if I don’t do what he wants he could lose interest in me!”
“But if I don’t text him he may think I am not interested.”
“But if I don’t respond to his email he may not see me this weekend.”
“But if I don’t pressure him he could choose her!”
“But if I don’t this and but if I don’t that and so on and on and on”
If you don’t respect yourself he surely is not going to! 
If he does not call you BECAUSE you didn’t call him he never intended to in the first place. 
If he will sleep with someone else just because you didn’t he is going to sleep with someone else anyway! 
If you don’t answer his text at 2 in the morning you were most likely only a booty call to begin with unless you both work the night shift and if he does end up with someone else that night then he is now HER problem and not yours! Be THANKFUL! 

If you do things ONLY HE wants to do and fear by not doing the things ONLY HE has interest in then eventually he will lose interest in you anyway - a person can only fake it for so long and honestly you will lose interest in someone who does not try to do the things you enjoy thereby losing interest in YOURSELF! 
If you do not text him he may think you are not interested? Oh really? Lets be frank, you are probably more concerned about this because you have been texting him TOO often and HE is the one no longer responding to your texts ... and now the blast emails that follow.
If you don’t pressure him he may choose her? The other woman he has been seeing who is NOT pressuring him right? That is exactly the women he WILL choose, the one who is letting him live his life and not trying to make him the center of hers. 
All of these statements are FEAR based. 
If you are saying these things at all you must step back and ask yourself WHY are you feeling this way?
If you are seeing someone no matter what level of a commitment you may have and you feel you could lose him IF this or IF that then you my friend are disempowered! You no longer view yourself as worthy, valuable, special, desirable or meaningful. 
You have to remember YOU are the PRIZE! 
Did you ever have a girl friend who seemed to be so casual about men, never cared if they called or not, was even maybe a little bitchy toward them? Now I don’t mean those certain women who are just terrible to their mates, not them, but those few and rare women who are powerful, in control and very confident. Did you ever wonder why they had all these men chasing them and wooing them, buying them gifts etc? Did you ever wonder what it is that they have that you don’t? Did you ever wonder why you are alone and they are happy in a relationship or at least happy dating several wonderful guys? 
Well here is the secret:
These women know their value. 
They do not put themselves out for a man.
They do not cater to his every whim.
They do  not take booty calls and try to convince themselves that the man really loves them.
They do not seek validation via the men in their lives.
They do not go out of their way to schedule a date.
They do not change their own plans to cater to his schedule.
They do not blow up his phone or emails.
They do not tell him how wonderful he is constantly hoping he will in turn tell her how wonderful she is.
They do not seek compliments to make herself feel better.
They LIKE themselves already.
They don’t NEED a man, they just enjoy having the addition of a good man in their lives.
Men are intuitive too. Men can sniff out a desperate woman versus a strong one. They can target an easy mark a mile away! They can prey on exactly the TYPE of woman they are looking for at any given place and time in their lives.
If they are looking for a casual thing and know they can get it out of you they will target you. If they are looking for a real relationship with someone they will find the right type of woman to have it with. 
Men will only give to you what you are worthy of getting from them and a woman who does not respect herself is not worthy of his life long love and devotion.
If a guy is a player and you are a vulnerable, needy woman who will toss aside all of her self respect and dignity for him he will sense it and use it to his advantage! 
If a man is a good decent person really looking for a long term commitment and you are dis-empowered, weak, needy, clingy and vulnerable he will pass you by in a heart beat. A strong man who desires a long term commitment with someone is not looking for someone who has such a low view of herself that she has lost all self respect and dignity and this very same man MAY allow you to hang on for a while for his sexual desires while still out there looking for a woman who is NOT like you! 
One thing is for sure. NO MAN in this WORLD can make you happy! Sure while the excitement is fresh and new perhaps you can feel happy for a while, while the sexual energy is high and the butterfly feeling is fresh you may be able to fool yourself into thinking you are a happy person. Eventually though that feeling fades and all you are left with is that feeling of emptiness and that is about the same time you begin to fear losing the man! 
You have to begin with a whole sense of SELF before you should be looking to add a man into your life.
The fact is you can not LOSE what you never HAD to begin with and when you begin a relationship with a low sense of self, low self esteem, lack of worthiness, and so on the relationship is ultimately doomed to fail. Well there is the off chance you have literally met a SAINT in which case perhaps he can nurse your wounded ego and lick your wounds for you until you are a full person again however most of the time if and when this happens the women then loses interest and walks away from St. Penis. 
Only to find a man with dignity of his own! 
Truth is NO ONE wants to be with someone who has no self resect and self control and empowerment etc.
Why do you think we women tend to want that “bad boy” lol it is usually because we see something in them that is lacking in ourselves! We want what they have to offer. Maybe we think we can glean some of it off of them and adapt it for ourselves. Perhaps the reality is we feel if we can win them that we will feel validated and have more self respect because we “won” their love when they were so sure they didn’t want it or need it. That bravado, that arrogance, that demand of respect, that self love, self admiration, ego, self control, that pride that says they do not NEED anyone in their lives and you are damn lucky if you are the chosen one who can get into it! 
That is exactly the kind of attitude you need of yourself before you go seeking for a life mate! No one can nor should be expected to validate you FOR you! 
It is always interesting to me how it seems to be the women other women call a BITCH that wins the man! But lets look at the term BITCH for a moment. 
Being a bitch does not have to mean you are bitchY. 
It simply can be looked at as an acronym. 
Being in Total Control of Herself! 
That “bitch” who you are afraid is going to steal your man or win his heart really is just doing what you should be doing yourself.
And more importantly she is NOT doing what you should not be doing! 
She is not blowing up his phone because she has her own life and better things to do.
She is not pressuring him to go to the “next level” because she has other options.
She is not sitting around waiting for his 2am booty call.
She does not answer the phone the moment it rings.
She is not breaking her plans to accommodate his needs.
She is not watering his plants while he is away on a business trip.
She is not texting him asking him why his ex posted something on his facebook! 
She is not having sex with him out of fear.
She is not taking care of his dog while he is out of town with the guys (in cancun on the beach attempting to pick up other women!)
She is not checking her text, email, call logs every 15 minutes thinking she MUST have missed his contact! 
The fact is men want strong women because strong women do not mother them. Nor do they SMOTHER them and note there is only ONE letter different between MOTHER and SMOTHER! 
Strong women do not wear them down with their constant need for validation. Strong women do not live FOR them or THROUGH them but for their own purposes. Strong women are in one word SEXY! 
Do not feel because you are not perfect you can not be sexy! 
Do not feel because you may be overweight that you need to be more accommodating to a man! 
One of my dearest friends was QUITE a large woman (may she rest in peace) but let me tell you she was NEVER allowing of a man to disempower her! She felt sexy and was strong and she had a lot of men chasing her down and showing her a lot of respect! 
There are many large women who could sit there feeling sorry for themselves on the pity pot thinking “no man is going to want to be with me, or I need to give more to win a man” etc and so on who DO NOT subscribe to this philosophy! And they have GOOD strong men in their lives! There are also many who don’t have men in their lives too but they don’t want to - its their personal choice. 
Here are a few names of some larger women who are strong, self assured, empowered and respect themselves:
Adele, Jennifer Hudson, Queen Latifah, Raven Samone, America Ferrera, Jordin Sparks, Oprah,  Mo'Nique,  Emme, Kathy Bates, Melissa McCarthy, Aretha Franklin, Jill Scott, Sara Ramirez
Just to name a few I am sure you can think of some of your own. But is not just weight that can cause us to become this way. We have to go back to the source of when we first allowed ourselves to be disempowered. 
Perhaps it was our upbringing , a parent, a family member, an ex, a sibling, a teacher, etc. Perhaps it is because of a medical or chemical imbalance, an addiction. Maybe it was something that happened in your life that you hold regret over. Maybe you blame yourself for something you did. There are so many reasons why we allow ourselves to STAY disempowered but you need to look at WHY and HOW and WHEN you became this way first. Doing this is truly the only way to solve the resounding problems that can and will follow you into ANY relationship if it is not resolved. 

For more insight on dating and relationships please see Ms. LisaM's Blog post here:
Dos and Don'ts of Dating