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Thursday, February 25, 2010

Equality of Emotion

When I was young my mother told me something about love. At the time I remember absolutely hating what I heard. I did not want to believe what she was saying but perhaps in my youth I was not focused enough to hear the real message. What she said to me was: “In every relationship someone always loves someone more than the other.” 

My thought was that love should be equal, love should be totally balanced and the flow of emotion should go both ways like a current of energy that never stops, pauses or ends. 
Now that I am older, and much wiser and have worked with energy at a professional level for over 20 years I understand what she really meant! 

Its true, someone always loves someone more than the other in some ways! 
Because love is so subjective to each person’s own human needs, emotions, desires, personal experiences in the past and so on, each person loves in their own way and style. 
This is not to say if you feel deep passionate, never ending and unconditional love for someone that then they can not possibly love you as much. What this is to say is that we all show our love in different ways and put more emphasis in the areas we can, feel more natural at and even more often than not in the ways we personally would like to feel the love from the other person! 
Let’s take a side journey here together. 
~  Lets say that you have to purchase a gift for someone. There are two types of gift givers. Those who purchase things they personally like and would like to show and share with another person, something they want to introduce someone to, something they enjoy so much in their life that they want to let those they care about experience the same joy. Perhaps this works and sometimes it fails as the receivers personality may just simply not enjoy the same things you do but at least you get some feeling of happiness by trying to expand their world or vision.
Then there are the gift givers who buy gifts they know for sure the receiver will love and cherish! They want only for the receiver to be happy and have a guarantee that they will simply love the gift. 
One style of gift giving is no more or less”giving”! In other words the person who buys things they like and want to share with their loved ones is no less a giving person than the gift giver who buys what they know the receiver will adore. Its not a matter of being selfish to buy things you personally love and enjoy as it is a means of sharing a small part of oneself. And the person who wants to be sure the receiver loves their gift is not an insecure person hoping only for acceptance of the receiver they simply just want to make the ones they care about happy. Both types of people want to do their best and it is only a matter of difference in how they express their care for another. ~ 
Sharing feelings in a relationship is not much different except there are a million and one different ways in which emotions and love can be expressed and shared. Its not quite as basic as gift giving but the same rules apply.
The key is to learn and understand how your loved one shares and experiences love so that you do not feel things are so unequal but rather that love can be expressed and shared at different levels in different ways. 
The problems usually arise and someone feels hurt or neglected or “unloved” or unappreciated when they are not receiving love from their partner in the same way they give therefore not in the same way they like to receive. People tend to think that their way to express love is the only way and overlook the different ways in which their loved one truly IS showing expression of their own love and passion. Just because it is a different focus on love or emotion does not make it any less love! 
There are also so many categories for love to be expressed. To name a few:
Romantic Passion
Alone Time
Shared Interests
Lets look at these areas. I am a person who can be easily distracted, in my work I have to remain so focused and keep my energy balanced and also being an empath I have to be careful about all the energies in and out of my home with teen kids and their friends! There are times I do not show my love toward my husband in the means of focus or attention and by the time my work day is done, and I have focused on my children my energy is so out of wack that I really need to retreat and go inward, aside from doing balancing of my energy and meditation for my work. 
If he did not understand this about me he may, like many people, feel that I do not love him as much as he loves me because honestly he showers me with attention as that is his number one way of showing love. I also know that not only because this is his method of showing love but also due to his personality and sun sign he needs equal if not more attention and focus from me and that is one major area in which I probably lack for him. However I love him with all my heart! Understanding each others ways in expressing love and ways in wanting to receive love is very helpful because not only can you then strive to give and receive in a manner which feels good to both people but you can also accept the short comings of the person you love, as my hubby has had to adjust for me. Besides that really shows even more so how much you love each other! When you can adjust and communicate about it! 
Some people express love with words (communication) some with actions (servitude) and some with surprises (gifts) these are just a few of the items from the list above. 
Take time to notice how you like to show your love for someone then take time to notice how that special someone tends to show their expression of love to you. While you may be the type of person who shows love via actions such as doing nice things for them, making plans, cooking them a wonderful dinner, leaving love notes and so on THEY may be more the type to show their love via words! They may like to SAY wonderful things and tell you a million times they love you and tell you how beautiful you are or how wonderful you make them feel. Now take it to another level, what if they are a action person and doing all these things for you but you are someone who needs to HEAR the WORDS? What if you are an action person and you are a word person and THEY need action not words? 
You see the dynamics of love are different for everyone and its not so simple. Before you think you are the one more in love with your mate or fear that their love is not equal to your love perhaps you can do a little research and talk to them and find out their love EQ (emotional quotient) so to speak. 
Your partner’s love may stem from a need from their own past, perhaps in their childhood their parents were very traditional and did not show openly their desire for one and other, perhaps they did not hold hands or did not give kisses often. However they may have had a long happy and strong marriage. Perhaps your mate learned about loyalty and protection love more than physical love. Perhaps your mate grew up in a very expressive family both in the sense of love and disagreements! Perhaps due to this your mate learned Romantic Passion which we know passion can go both ways, and a fiery heart can become passionate about a feeling they have in romance or in arguments! As long as we are not talking emotional, mental or physical abuse the passionate partner sure can spark life into a relationship with healthy debates and sharing of thought feeling and opinion! I remember my grandparents would get into some heated debates where grandpa would raise his voice a bit and when I would say they were arguing grandpa would say in an equally loud voice: “We’re not arguing we’re DISCUSSING!” 
It never upset me as a child though because they really were NOT arguing and they both derived passion in healthy disagreement and I would bet anything that passion carried over into the bed room.
Some people need more alone time with their loved one, weekend get aways at a bed and breakfast, a quiet evening at home cuddled on the sofa watching movies, not going out socializing and showing each other off to friends. If you are this way but your partner is not then perhaps you feel ignored or that you are last on their list while they are wishing you would go out more often so you can be that awesome couple arm in arm showing all their friends how lucky they are! 
It all comes down to what areas in which your significant other shows their love the most, what they do and what they also need from you in return! 
The lesson here overall though is that there is no real true equality in love. Someone always DOES in fact love someone more than the other in some way shape or form but that does not mean that the love is not overall equal! The exception to the rule would be if all possible categories, and there are many, I only covered a few, lined up exactly the same for both people both in the giving and the receiving areas. 
Here is a fun quiz to take with your loved one, bear in mind this is not a scientific study and I did not do any research on the effectiveness of the outcomes of this test but none the less can lead to some good conversation between the two of you and also perhaps some better understanding of each other.
The Quiz:
Print out a copy of the following for each of you then mark your answers.
Put an X by each item you feel you use to show love. Be honest because your partner may not agree with your selections! 
Put an O by each item you would like for your partner to express to show you love. Of course in a perfect world we want all of the things listed below but try to be conservative and only choose the most important to you. If you are like me and can’t help but check them all then number then in order! 
Once done share your answers with your partner! Be ready and able to laugh and have fun - this is not a test! There really are no wrong answers because there are no “wrong” ways to love on this list! 
If you find you have a lot of similar answers but have been feeling a disconnection from your mate then talk about it. If you notice that your answers do not match up so well and you are not expressing the way they need and they are not showing the way you need then talk about it and I will promise that you will change a little for them and they will change a little for you! 
Most of all use this time to do this quiz with each other not as a threat or argument but as a fun and playful expression that you care enough to find out how they feel! I recommend doing this quiz in bed! : ) 
Romantic Passion - the sharing and exchange of emotion via lovemaking, playfulness,
healthy debate, physical interaction such as hand holding, kissing, open expression of affection toward each other. 
Protection - Making sure your loved one has all things they need, security and stability. Taking your partner’s side and defending them and their honor. Making sure that their future is safe should something happen to you - financial stability. Watching out for them, making sure that they make it home safe from work, their car is running well, that they get up on time or get enough rest. 
Loyalty - Being true to your partner, sometimes even so much you do not even feel the desire to look at another person of the opposite sex. Feeling you can not imagine yourself with someone else. Siding with them against others even if you do not agree and taking it up with them later in private, having their back. 
Communication - The need to talk things over with your mate, expressing your thoughts, feelings, desires, hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities, wishes etc. Telling them how much you love them, saying I Love You’s, telling them how important they are to you, how they make you feel, what you want to plan with them in the future etc. 
Surprises - The little things mean a lot to you, you love to give and or receive gifts that show you know your loved one deep down. Tickets to a game or theatre production, a home cooked meal, a nice romantic diner out, week end get aways for just the two of you, gifts no matter if hand made by yourself or an expensive watch bought at the jewelers. Throwing them a surprise party on their birthday. Drawing them a bubble bath and watching the kids so they can have a nice relaxing retreat. The more you can DO that will surprise them the better! 
Alone Time - Spending time alone with your loved one is very important. You enjoy anything that gives you two time to bond as a couple. A hike in the woods, a walk by the shore, “camping” in the back yard, sipping wine on the patio, cuddling up on the sofa for a movie night at home, reading a book together, showering with each other, making home cooked meals as a couple. These are examples of the type of person who needs “alone time” to feel loved or express love.
Shared Interests - Some couples feel closest when they have common interests. Some couples get very excited about a sports team, wearing matching shirts to the game even if watching from home or a friends home. Being on a pool or bowling league together, belonging to a book club, movie buffs who love to discuss the movie afterwards with each other, going to museums, gardening, auto repair, music or travel. Obviously we want to have some things in common with out loved one but these couples who focus more on this area of love really need to feel a team effort, that bond that comes from really working with each other for a common interest or goal. Couples like this often do well working in a business together! 
Servitude - Doing all those little things for the one you love. Getting them their slippers at the very mention of them having cold feet, making them a snack as soon as they say they feel hungry, going to the store to get their favorite ice cream when they notice they are out, tossing their shirt in the laundry for them when they are busy with other things and you know they need to get that done before morning. The little things that actually take quite a bit of focus and effort to some mean everything! 
Other - feel free to write in your OWN expression of or need for demonstration of love! Do not feel you are subject only to this list as these are only a few of the many ways people can show their love or want to be loved! 


Sunday, February 14, 2010

Trust and Honesty

At the request of a regular client of mine I am posting about Trust and Honesty.

How do you know when to trust someone? Where do we draw the line about giving trust and making someone earn it? Can trust be lost in a moment? Does one indiscretion mean you should turn away from someone who you have known and trusted for years?
How do you know when to give up trust in someone or when to give a second chance?
First of all we have to examine Honesty. Honesty is at times very hard to deliver and at times we place the need for honesty on someone who really should not. Asking someone to be honest with you is in some ways an imposition. Some people are just more comfortable not approaching topics where they may have to deliver tough news! Sometimes we think we can handle the truth much better than we do in reality and the people who see this the most are the ones who have tired to be honest in the past only to have their hand bit. 
Sometimes people think not saying something is better than to say something someone may not want to hear. Does this make that person dishonest not to convey all their thoughts and feelings? 
What about when you absolutely know someone is lying to you? What about those people who exaggerate the truth? Is that an excited story teller having fun expounding the details and fact just a little to make the story more colorful or are they liars? 
Are the eccentric and enjoyable or are they someone you simply can never trust because you know they will at times twist the facts a bit? 
Fact is everyone has at some point lied. Anyone who says otherwise is more than likely a lier no pun intended.

We have either lied to hide something embarrassing to ourselves or others, lied to make someone else feel better or not to hurt them or outright told a lie for personal benefit!
Fudging on an exam, our weight on a drivers license, or a quiz we take in a magazine we know no one else will ever see just to change the outcome for our own benefit - these are all forms of lies.
When we know we can justify a lie in our own mind it makes it no less of a lie!

So does this make you untrustworthy?

Of course there are many different levels to lies.

We cant say that lying about our weight on a drivers license is the same about lying about having graduated from law school however how can we pass a proper judgement on those who have lied to us when we have told our own little lies?

Not everyone is a big fat lier and people can and do change! When do we draw the line and say NO MORE LIES? Enough is enough? How do we determine who we can trust and who we need to cut out of our lives?

It all comes down to how to we feel about ourselves. NOT how someone else makes us feel! When you are happy in your life, with yourself, your path, the way you are as a person, you do not need to hinge your bets on if someone else is going to be honest with you or not! When things get so convoluted that we are seeking advice or help from someone so often that their lies are effecting our lives chances are you put too much on them to begin with!

There are exceptions to this rule of course! Doctors, lawyers, therapists, your psychic, they should never lie to you but your friends and family can and at times will. So when you step back and examine your path and see if you have put more on them than they should have had to take on of your life and needs it is easy to say “Oh wow look at how much I placed on them - I became too dependent on them for my own self guidance, self esteem and personal happiness!”
Yes they should have been honest with you but lets face it we are human and imperfect and each person has enough of their own problems in life they never should have to take on so much of your needs that they ever feel they “have” to lie to you!

For example, I have a friend and I am aware that this person at times twists things a bit, embellishes, and sometimes even outright lies about things. It really does not bother me because it does not EFFECT me! Why be friends with such a person? Well they have some really cool character traits, I enjoy the conversations, we have things in common we can discuss and why not? They have no real bearing on my personal life whatsoever. Would I get more involved with them - probably not - because I know they are not that trustworthy, but there is no harm in how things are.

When my client first asked me to blog on this topic I was thinking WOW this is going to be a hard one! There are so many levels to this and so many degrees it is nearly impossible to give solid advice on where to draw these lines as they are so easily blurred!

There is really little way to say to apply the same set of rules to everyone you know and every possible lie to every degree!

One really has to step back out of the issue to see it clearly. Emotion has to be removed to a degree and this can be the most difficult time TO remove emotion!

When trying to decide if you should keep someone in your life or not it really comes down to how you feel. You have to ask yourself qualifying questions:

Do they bring more positive than negative to you?
Do they diminish you?
Do you feel good talking to them?
Is the harm done something you can not overcome?
Can they look you in the eye?
Can you look them in the eye?
Is the trust so far gone that there is no way to rebuild it?
Do you even want to?
Do they come between you and someone else, someone you love?
Are the the person you thought you could trust beyond anyone else, are they your wife, husband, lover, soul mate?
Do they OWE you honesty?
Have you earned their respect?
Do you respect them?

It really depends on the lie itself and also the person who told it to you. You really can not compare a friend lying to you about not having time to go out with you then finding out they went out with another friend behind your back to your husband or wife cheating on you! Your husband or wife is at a whole different level more often than not unless you hold your friend at a higher standard for some reason but then it all comes back on you, your expectations of others, and how you determine the importance of those people in your life.

See lies and honesty and trust are things that are very changeable. I do not believe most rational people set out to ever lie to another person. Rational people that is. There are some people who lie second nature, who embellish, expand a topic, etc and so on but outright lies are not usually something inherent in us. We as a people do not intentionally want to hurt those we care about and love but it goes both ways, just as in a marriage it takes two to make it work or break it down lying is usually more a symptom of a bigger problem! When someone feels they need to lie to us there is usually some reason deep down that they are doing so that makes them feel justified in the lie itself.
What has to be considered here then is why?

Why did they feel we could not handle the truth?
Why did they chose to lie rather than be honest even if the truth hurt?
Was this something that they felt about you or something in them?
Do you care about the relationship enough to do the work to discover these details especially if in discovery you find a weakness in yourself that needs worked out?
Now I am not trying to push the blame of a person lying to you back on you as truly you are already the victim of being lied to but as in any relationship trust goes both ways and it is very possible that the person who lied to you did not feel they could trust you well enough to tell you the truth for some reason or another. The fact is once the trust barrier is broken and someone has lied and someone has been lied to more often than not it is time to do one of two things: Break it all down and dissect it! Ask yourself first of all if it is worth your time energy and effort to do so! Some people would just as soon let the lying person go and not make the effort to work it out. Some people would not be able to let it go and need to drag it all out into the mud, kicking and screaming!
You have to remain balanced in your energy as best you can. You must approach the person who lied to you in a manner that is open and communicable. Even though you are the injured party you are also the one who needs or wants answers and if you go in armed you will get a defensive person in return. If you go in level headed and relaxed you will disarm them and thus take away any justification they thought they may have had or any valid justification they did have to begin with.
The second option is to confront, accuse, state your case, and be done with it all.
This option is for those who are so hurt, so disgusted and so angry that option one is not an option at all. I do not recommend this option but in some cases the lie is so terrible that there is no way to ever reconcile with the other person but if you chose this path be ready to really have your say one time and then let it go! If you know you are going to want to continue the communication, or to make this a longer fight then you have to do a reality check with yourself because really all you are going to be doing is extending your own agony. When this happens and not to sound cruel here but you pretty much get what you have coming to you. When the lie is SO BAD that there is nothing the other person can so or do to correct it and gain your forgiveness in order to try to rebuild trust with you then there is no point in continuing the relationship which would by then essentially be destroyed so by going back and forth with the arguments you are only going to get more arguments, more hurt feelings, more twisted words and maybe even more lies!
Not that you owe the other person anything by any means and not that you have to play fair with them but in the long run you will only hurt yourself more if you go in with this option and do not simply have your say and then end it!

I wish there were more viable options in this sort of situation but after thinking it over and over again I could only personally come up with these two scenarios in an overall outlook of things. Granted there are always different angles to any given situation but in having to write a “general” article about trust and honesty this is the best I personally could come up with. I would love to have anyone who has been in a situation of being lied to or even being the one lying to share with us your experience and by all means share your resolution beyond option one and two! I more than welcome the knowledge of others especially when it comes from personal experience! I by no means claim to be all knowing lol but without giving real life examples and for the purpose of writing the best general article I can on the subject I hope this has helped someone.
Much love


Sunday, February 7, 2010

San Fransisco Herb Company

I wanted to share with you all a great resource for Kitchen Witch items. SFO Herb has a lot of inexpensive herb products, essential oils, botanicals and more. Also a great resource for those who love to cook!
I have ordered from them often over the last several years and they always provide good customer service and a reliable product!
If you are looking for a supplier for your magical purposes, natural healing purposes, home fragrance or for good old cooking reasons, I highly recommend this company!
I do not get any kickbacks for this recommendation - I just really love this company and wanted to share this resource with my followers!


Friday, February 5, 2010

Liveperson E-Spirituality Newsletter for February

Hey Everyone here is the Liveperson Newsletter with some great advice for Valentine's Day, February Love Forecasts, A Monthly Survey to Win Prizes and a lot of other awesome info!

One of my Articles is also featured! Yay me! lol

Check out the Liveperson Newsletter Here