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Saturday, May 29, 2010

But if I Don't

But if I don’t ...
The most disempowering statements begin in this manner. 
We do it to ourselves time and again.
Listen to yourself.
Have you ever said anything like this:
“But if I don't call him he wont call me”
“But if I don’t sleep with him I could lose him!”
“But if I don't answer his text at 2 in the morning he could end up with someone else tonight”
“But if I don’t do what he wants he could lose interest in me!”
“But if I don’t text him he may think I am not interested.”
“But if I don’t respond to his email he may not see me this weekend.”
“But if I don’t pressure him he could choose her!”
“But if I don’t this and but if I don’t that and so on and on and on”
If you don’t respect yourself he surely is not going to! 
If he does not call you BECAUSE you didn’t call him he never intended to in the first place. 
If he will sleep with someone else just because you didn’t he is going to sleep with someone else anyway! 
If you don’t answer his text at 2 in the morning you were most likely only a booty call to begin with unless you both work the night shift and if he does end up with someone else that night then he is now HER problem and not yours! Be THANKFUL! 

If you do things ONLY HE wants to do and fear by not doing the things ONLY HE has interest in then eventually he will lose interest in you anyway - a person can only fake it for so long and honestly you will lose interest in someone who does not try to do the things you enjoy thereby losing interest in YOURSELF! 
If you do not text him he may think you are not interested? Oh really? Lets be frank, you are probably more concerned about this because you have been texting him TOO often and HE is the one no longer responding to your texts ... and now the blast emails that follow.
If you don’t pressure him he may choose her? The other woman he has been seeing who is NOT pressuring him right? That is exactly the women he WILL choose, the one who is letting him live his life and not trying to make him the center of hers. 
All of these statements are FEAR based. 
If you are saying these things at all you must step back and ask yourself WHY are you feeling this way?
If you are seeing someone no matter what level of a commitment you may have and you feel you could lose him IF this or IF that then you my friend are disempowered! You no longer view yourself as worthy, valuable, special, desirable or meaningful. 
You have to remember YOU are the PRIZE! 
Did you ever have a girl friend who seemed to be so casual about men, never cared if they called or not, was even maybe a little bitchy toward them? Now I don’t mean those certain women who are just terrible to their mates, not them, but those few and rare women who are powerful, in control and very confident. Did you ever wonder why they had all these men chasing them and wooing them, buying them gifts etc? Did you ever wonder what it is that they have that you don’t? Did you ever wonder why you are alone and they are happy in a relationship or at least happy dating several wonderful guys? 
Well here is the secret:
These women know their value. 
They do not put themselves out for a man.
They do not cater to his every whim.
They do  not take booty calls and try to convince themselves that the man really loves them.
They do not seek validation via the men in their lives.
They do not go out of their way to schedule a date.
They do not change their own plans to cater to his schedule.
They do not blow up his phone or emails.
They do not tell him how wonderful he is constantly hoping he will in turn tell her how wonderful she is.
They do not seek compliments to make herself feel better.
They LIKE themselves already.
They don’t NEED a man, they just enjoy having the addition of a good man in their lives.
Men are intuitive too. Men can sniff out a desperate woman versus a strong one. They can target an easy mark a mile away! They can prey on exactly the TYPE of woman they are looking for at any given place and time in their lives.
If they are looking for a casual thing and know they can get it out of you they will target you. If they are looking for a real relationship with someone they will find the right type of woman to have it with. 
Men will only give to you what you are worthy of getting from them and a woman who does not respect herself is not worthy of his life long love and devotion.
If a guy is a player and you are a vulnerable, needy woman who will toss aside all of her self respect and dignity for him he will sense it and use it to his advantage! 
If a man is a good decent person really looking for a long term commitment and you are dis-empowered, weak, needy, clingy and vulnerable he will pass you by in a heart beat. A strong man who desires a long term commitment with someone is not looking for someone who has such a low view of herself that she has lost all self respect and dignity and this very same man MAY allow you to hang on for a while for his sexual desires while still out there looking for a woman who is NOT like you! 
One thing is for sure. NO MAN in this WORLD can make you happy! Sure while the excitement is fresh and new perhaps you can feel happy for a while, while the sexual energy is high and the butterfly feeling is fresh you may be able to fool yourself into thinking you are a happy person. Eventually though that feeling fades and all you are left with is that feeling of emptiness and that is about the same time you begin to fear losing the man! 
You have to begin with a whole sense of SELF before you should be looking to add a man into your life.
The fact is you can not LOSE what you never HAD to begin with and when you begin a relationship with a low sense of self, low self esteem, lack of worthiness, and so on the relationship is ultimately doomed to fail. Well there is the off chance you have literally met a SAINT in which case perhaps he can nurse your wounded ego and lick your wounds for you until you are a full person again however most of the time if and when this happens the women then loses interest and walks away from St. Penis. 
Only to find a man with dignity of his own! 
Truth is NO ONE wants to be with someone who has no self resect and self control and empowerment etc.
Why do you think we women tend to want that “bad boy” lol it is usually because we see something in them that is lacking in ourselves! We want what they have to offer. Maybe we think we can glean some of it off of them and adapt it for ourselves. Perhaps the reality is we feel if we can win them that we will feel validated and have more self respect because we “won” their love when they were so sure they didn’t want it or need it. That bravado, that arrogance, that demand of respect, that self love, self admiration, ego, self control, that pride that says they do not NEED anyone in their lives and you are damn lucky if you are the chosen one who can get into it! 
That is exactly the kind of attitude you need of yourself before you go seeking for a life mate! No one can nor should be expected to validate you FOR you! 
It is always interesting to me how it seems to be the women other women call a BITCH that wins the man! But lets look at the term BITCH for a moment. 
Being a bitch does not have to mean you are bitchY. 
It simply can be looked at as an acronym. 
Being in Total Control of Herself! 
That “bitch” who you are afraid is going to steal your man or win his heart really is just doing what you should be doing yourself.
And more importantly she is NOT doing what you should not be doing! 
She is not blowing up his phone because she has her own life and better things to do.
She is not pressuring him to go to the “next level” because she has other options.
She is not sitting around waiting for his 2am booty call.
She does not answer the phone the moment it rings.
She is not breaking her plans to accommodate his needs.
She is not watering his plants while he is away on a business trip.
She is not texting him asking him why his ex posted something on his facebook! 
She is not having sex with him out of fear.
She is not taking care of his dog while he is out of town with the guys (in cancun on the beach attempting to pick up other women!)
She is not checking her text, email, call logs every 15 minutes thinking she MUST have missed his contact! 
The fact is men want strong women because strong women do not mother them. Nor do they SMOTHER them and note there is only ONE letter different between MOTHER and SMOTHER! 
Strong women do not wear them down with their constant need for validation. Strong women do not live FOR them or THROUGH them but for their own purposes. Strong women are in one word SEXY! 
Do not feel because you are not perfect you can not be sexy! 
Do not feel because you may be overweight that you need to be more accommodating to a man! 
One of my dearest friends was QUITE a large woman (may she rest in peace) but let me tell you she was NEVER allowing of a man to disempower her! She felt sexy and was strong and she had a lot of men chasing her down and showing her a lot of respect! 
There are many large women who could sit there feeling sorry for themselves on the pity pot thinking “no man is going to want to be with me, or I need to give more to win a man” etc and so on who DO NOT subscribe to this philosophy! And they have GOOD strong men in their lives! There are also many who don’t have men in their lives too but they don’t want to - its their personal choice. 
Here are a few names of some larger women who are strong, self assured, empowered and respect themselves:
Adele, Jennifer Hudson, Queen Latifah, Raven Samone, America Ferrera, Jordin Sparks, Oprah,  Mo'Nique,  Emme, Kathy Bates, Melissa McCarthy, Aretha Franklin, Jill Scott, Sara Ramirez
Just to name a few I am sure you can think of some of your own. But is not just weight that can cause us to become this way. We have to go back to the source of when we first allowed ourselves to be disempowered. 
Perhaps it was our upbringing , a parent, a family member, an ex, a sibling, a teacher, etc. Perhaps it is because of a medical or chemical imbalance, an addiction. Maybe it was something that happened in your life that you hold regret over. Maybe you blame yourself for something you did. There are so many reasons why we allow ourselves to STAY disempowered but you need to look at WHY and HOW and WHEN you became this way first. Doing this is truly the only way to solve the resounding problems that can and will follow you into ANY relationship if it is not resolved. 

For more insight on dating and relationships please see Ms. LisaM's Blog post here:
Dos and Don'ts of Dating


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