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Saturday, April 24, 2010

What Men Want and Why Women Do Not Listen


For decades we have heard that forlorn sigh from our friends, sisters, mothers, aunts, and other female constituents. Augggggg .... MEN! 
Are they (men) really all that complex or are they just so simple that we can not wrap our over thinking minds around them?
Is it really all that difficult to grasp what they want or is it that we as the female species try to overwhelm them with our complexity? 
Now to be fair I have seen just as many men let out that sigh only to be followed up with the word WOMEN! Granted I do believe that the female is usually the gender more often concerned with long term love and romance and as a whole tend to be more geared toward anxiety and worry over our loved ones and I do believe it is more in our nature to be this way. Regardless it would be unfair to say men never feel the same frustrations! 
Now of course we have our jerks and cold hearted people out there regardless of gender, some people are just not good for us, do not care about us, use people etc. Its a fact of life and gender has nothing to do with it. Sometimes we simply find ourselves falling for the most unlikely person to ever want to commit, but when you have an on going relationship or a budding relationship with someone and you are getting red flags and warning signs all over the place and you just KNOW something is wrong its time to take stock. 
Since we can not change others nor should we want to - after all there was something about them that got your attention in the first place, we have to look at self. 
Maybe what you found attractive about that guy you are with was his bold and brazen attitude, that he was social and out going, kind and curious, adventurous and flirtatious, only to discover once you are with him that those very things cause you fear and anxiety! 
We can not change those we love but we can change our patterns and hope that they in turn change a few of their own! We can lead but we can not put them on a leash! 
When things begin to take a turn toward a difficult path it is time to stop, be still and note our own behaviors!
Now don’t bother sending me your emails stating that “I am nothing like this!” because I would probably already know you are not. Not ALL women are this way just as not all men can be lumped in and categorized or generalized! I know there are many women out there who are a lot LIKE men in their senses and sensibilities and thats fine! We are all individuals! Some women are very laid back, easy going and have “male attributes” just as there are some very sensitive and at times overly sensitive men! This article is not meant to be for you! Lets face it though - in this world we do generalize, and we have to to reach the masses because after 30 years in this line of work I have come to realize it IS valid to generalize! MOST women are this way and MOST men are that way. Period.
Lets take a look at the things men fear and do NOT like:
Men fear we will CHANGE after they commit to us. 
Men fear we will try to CHANGE them.
Men fear our DRAMA.
Men fear we will become JEALOUS.
Men fear our lack of SELF ESTEEM and CONFIDENCE (sexiness).
Men fear us not having our own LIFE (making them our center of focus).
Men fear we will hold back our emotion due to FEAR.
Men fear we will become pushy or CONTROLLING (know the difference between being empowered and being controlling).
Men fear we will become NIT PICKING, WHINEY, AND BITCHY.
Men fear we will intrude on their sense of SELF.
Men fear we will try to take away their FREEDOM.
Men fear we will play GAMES with them.
Men fear being TRAPPED.
Those are just a few fears men have.
Now let’s take a look at what men WANT and how they relate to what they FEAR! 
Men want us to be the same woman they met after they commit to us
Men want us to love them for who and how they are.
Men want us to be drama free and enjoy life with them.
Men want us to trust them.
Men want us to be sexy and confident and have high self esteem so they can feel proud to be with us! 
Men want us to have a life of our own so they have something to talk to us about at the end of the day.
Men want us to be on the level with them and be able to handle them being on the level with us.
Men want us to be strong but not to use that “strength” to try to control things.
Men want us to be their lovers not their mothers.
Men want us to let them have fun with friends and not try to be involved in everything they do.
Men want us to let them have some of their own secrets and privacy and lets be honest, we women sure have a few of our own secrets! 
Men want us to not try to “get them” by being sneaky, lying, backstabbing etc.
Men do not want us to use our mental ability to get them to make promises they can not keep.



Okay so as you can see the flip side to the things men fear - what they want is the exact opposite of their own fears! 
Its fairly simple but as you read this you may find yourself thinking “Oh I never do that!” or “men do the same thing!” Your right - men at times do this as much as women! But then this article is for the ladies here but guys if you are reading this you can certainly learn from it too! 
Now we can’t lump all people into one set standard of behavior or emotional reaction. Some guys can be the “dramatic ones” and some men can be very jealous themselves! 
But obviously this article is written to cover the larger spectrum and quite honestly if you were to live your life by these rules you will attract a much better quality of mate to begin with! 
I am not saying that you should never hold your loved one to your own standards or that you should change who you are to get that guy! However let’s face it - I am positive that at some point in your life or “love career path” you have done at least half if not almost all of the things above! 
Women are cunning and capable creatures who are highly complex and very adaptive! 
We can play games, we can use our whiles, we can manipulate and we can intimidate! 
We can play the victim, we can push and pull back. Basically we can control any relationship to a degree but we can also totally dissimulate what could have been a potentially strong and long term relationship by doing so! 
This article is for those of you who WANT to make a relationship work out in the best possible way for the long term outcome. If you are ready for that then read on! 
Let’s go over each fear and desire men have point by point:
Men fear we will CHANGE after they commit to us. 
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Men want us to be the same woman we met after they commit to us.
Its true, it happens, we do it! We start out being that sex kitten, flirty and sweet. We start out being strong and determined. We begin getting to know them asking them about themselves, watching them work a room, talk to friends, being the guy they are and we are confident and outgoing too. Then once we have them we start to get scared of the very things that attracted us to them and we become a shadow of our former selves. We turn into nit picking mother hens who worry about everything they say and do. We become obsessed with where they are at and that makes us cave into fear and confusion unsure about what they think and feel so we begin to change into something we are not. We lose our sense of self, our purpose and at times even start to lose interest in the things we used to do. We no longer are interesting to them because there is nothing left of SELF and we focus so much on THEM that we stop seeing our friends, going to the gym, the writers club, book club, etc and so on. We stop living for ourselves and become so small and insignificant that they stop wanting to even BE with us! Men fear we will change and the fact is we often do! The first step in being sure you are on a path to a good long term relationship is to stop and ask yourself “who was I before I met him? Who am I now?” “What attracted him to me? How have I changed?” if you have stopped doing things you used to love and enjoy to devote all your focus on HIM then face it girl, you have lost the very core of what he first found exciting about you to begin with! Get that sense of SELF back! 
Men fear we will try CHANGE them.
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Men want us to love them for who and how they are.
Much like the fear / want paragraph above it starts the same way. We find them attractive for who they are, sexy, outgoing, social, or even shy and reserved. We like them for their personality, their convictions, their fortitude, their interests, desires, etc and so on - we just LIKE them because they are who they are! But then once we become attached and start to fall in love we become fearful of those very qualities! They have other interests outside of US! How can they want to go bowling with their buddies when they could be with ME? How could they put seeing me off so they can go motorcycle riding with friends? Why doesn't  he want me to come along? All of these things are a lack of self esteem and make you less than attractive to your man but in addition to that it sets into him a reasonable fear of you desiring to change him. A feeling of not being good enough for you as he is, and he wonders what in the world you even saw in him in the first place! He is not the one who has changed, you are! Not only have you changed but now you want HIM to change? What was wrong with him in the first place and if there was something wrong with him why did you even want him to begin with? Whats wrong with him wanting to do the things he did before you came into his life and what is wrong with wanting to ride his motorcycle and spend time with the guys? NOTHING unless of course the guys are all bringing their wives and girlfriends. If that is the case then of course we have a whole different situation here and you should be worried but if not then why try to edge in on his free time when in fact you should be enjoying your own free time. At the end of the day if you have spent every waking moment together what is there to talk about and share with each other to grow the relationship on? 
Why is it once they commit to us that we want them to be someone else? Why should they have to be a different person if the man you became interested in the first place got your attention? What is wrong with them? These are the thoughts and feelings they have and what you have to ask yourself is - is this how you want someone you supposedly LOVE to feel about themselves because of you and your actions? 
When you see this red flag in your relationship it is time to stop and get your own life again! Its time to face the fact that this IS the guy you wanted! This IS the man you fell in love with and he has not changed, you have! You have placed so much of your life into him and made him so much the center of your SELF that you no longer are the same woman HE fell for and if you don’t stop you probably will lose him! 
Men fear our DRAMA.
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Men want us to be drama free and enjoy life with them.
Oh to be a fly on the wall in a room of men lol! Here’s the deal ladies. They do NOT talk about us 24/7 nor do they THINK about us 24/7. Deal with it. Sorry to sound harsh but all too often we women want need or expect them to. When we women are together, no matter what we are doing, we are talking about our men. We can be in the gym on the treadmill with a friend and the whole time we are talking about other people especially the men in our lives. Guys just do not do this in the way we do. Sure your man may mention you to his friends but his friends are not likely to respond in a way that encourages or continues the conversation! Men make statements, their friends take those statements in and they move onto the next topic. Women listen to our statements and follow up with things such as “ Oh yeah and then what did you say to him?” “Oh really? Well how did he respond to that?” Can you imagine men talking this way? Would kinda make them sound feminine wouldn’t it! We like men because they ARE men! Remember that ladies! Now of course I have a few gay male friends who are wonderful to talk to - the best actually and yes they do speak the way we women do - but we’re talking about the man you are involved with here and if he were to talk to his buddies the way you talk to your female friends chances are he would not be with you let alone any woman! 
Guys also do not hold onto things usually the way we do. When a woman gets angered or hurt she is mad at the world. Guys let things go more easily. Have you ever seen two men get into a fight, verbal or physical? Usually they have it out, say what they have to say then walk away from it and let it lie. Women will carry anger, hurt, resentment forever. Guys just deal with it and move on. Many men can even be friends or become friends after a confrontation. Women - not so much. Guys do not like “drama” women tend to thrive on it. When you catch yourself seeking to create drama in your communication with your man things have already went from bad to worse. Guys don’t really want to hear what our mother’s sister’s cousin's next door neighbor's wife did last weekend that pissed you off! Seriously, they don’t. They also don’t want to listen to unending gossip about your girl friends or to be compared to your girl friends boyfriend. Guys just want you to relax, unwind and enjoy the simple things in life. When being together gets to be a JOB for them they run. 
As women we tend to be the healers, the fixers, the nurturers in the relationship and sometimes we tend to vent to them and complain to them even if it not about them but guys tend to pick up on this energy as negativity in their lives as a whole even if it is not about the two of you. Then they tend to tune us out. That makes us women feel they are not responding to us, not listening to us, not caring about us. If you feel your man is tuning you out its time to step away and ask yourself what are you really SAYING to him? Are you talking about the things that are of common interest? Are you telling him things about yourself or are you far reaching into the lives of others to connect the random dots back to self and how all these underlying things effect you? Are you telling him less about what you did and more about what you absorbed of others? Your man really is not that interested in his own friends, don’t expect him to be all that into yours! 
Guys like to do things and discuss things of a non emotional nature, non dramatic nature. They talk about golf, cars, sports, work, and goals, things they have done or want to do. They do not get as emotionally involved with each other on a regular basis and therefore they can not really relate to your female tendency to want to solve every known problem on earth for ever person you ever knew. If you feel tuned out you may find you are not really being active in the relationship and are more active in trying to fix things which can result in him feeling he is just another person in your life you want to “fix”. 
Men fear we will become JEALOUS.
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Men want us to trust them.
Do you trust your man? Do you wonder if he is checking out other women? Do you wonder if he flirts at the office? Do you constantly check his email or worry about that ex of his? Do you fear that he will leave you for the next hot thing to come his way? 
Men find that terribly unsexy! Now obviously not all men deserve our trust and there are a lot of pigs swimming around with the fishes! BUT if you have decided to be with a man then you have to decide to also trust your man and until you have busted him in a bold faced lie there is really no excuse not to! Your seething paranoia is not an excuse! If you knew he was a flirt when you got together with him you can not expect him not to be a flirt now. However if he is dating the waitress behind your back then that is another story! Then again, if you found out he was dating the waitress behind your back and you stayed with him thats your fault! Heres the deal. You make the calls for yourself in life. You choose to be with him or not and yes trust needs to be built up but sometimes more often than not women lack trusting their men due to past relationships, men who cheated on them before they ever met the man they are with, fear, paranoia and just out right lack of self esteem! This is a sure fire way to convince a man to run for the hills! A guy wants you to believe the things they say to you because its difficult enough for them to lower their guard to tell you that YOU are the only woman for them - so why would they say it if you are not going to believe it anyway? 
Guys don’t want to be with a woman if they constantly have to deflect your lack of self esteem or anxiety! 
When going out with the guys on a Friday night becomes more of a chore due to the arguments they know are to come with you when they get home they more than likely will start to pull away or even end the relationship. Men can be very lazy and don’t want to deal with the drama to make something work if it is not due to their own wrong doing! 
If they are cheating on you YOU KNOW IT! Its more of a matter that women don’t want to believe it and will find ways to make excuses for outright blatant behavior if they are not ready to end a relationship, are still too in love etc and so on. 
Guys need to do guy things, they need to be with male friends, they have male egos and need their egos pumped up. They also have their own anxiety and self esteem concerns. 
Just because your man enjoys attention from the opposite sex does not mean they are cheating on you and just because they still want to go out with the guys does not mean they are looking to replace you with some tart at the bar. However the less you trust them the more reason you give them to do just that. It does not make it right and it is not fair but it is how it is. 
You need to stop and ask yourself is it your man you do not trust? Has he given you VALID reason not to? Are you over reacting? Are you putting on your current man the wrong doings of a past boyfriend or husband? Are you remember how your father was toward your mother and that is causing you lack of trust? Is it because you feel too low about yourself that you place the burden of proof of trust on him? Have YOU done something wrong and now you assume he is doing the same thing? Why don’t you trust your man? If you have valid reasons and yet you remain with him then it is for you to carry that burden and deal with until he either messes up so much you dump him or he earns your trust back again.
Men fear our lack of SELF ESTEEM and CONFIDENCE (sexiness).
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Men want us to be sexy and confident and have high self esteem so they can feel proud to be with us!
For whatever reason this section can cover something that preexisted or could be due to change in us after being with our man. It can be because of something he said or did or simply out of fear and worry built up due to other circumstances such as the paragraph above, lack of trust in our man. Whatever the reason, men do not like it when we lack confidence and self esteem. When we lack these things a slew of other problems crop up such as the many things we have already covered. Confidence is sexy! I have known some very large robust and curvaceous women in my life and some of them have had this amazing energy about them, a smile that could light up a room, dressed well and behaved as if they weighed that of not only an average but very “hot” woman!  They did feel HOT and they were quite HOT because confidence is sexy! Whereas I have known some average or even slender and quite sexily built women with absolute no confidence or self esteem. They did not exude an air of self love, awareness or an energy that said “I like who I am” and therefore they did not come off as “sexy”. Sexy is what sexy feels and does. If you feel you are sexy you will come over as such. Confidence gives us a glow, a smile that is addictive and a way about us that makes others want to be around us. Esteem and confidence are not just about what we weight, or how we look though. Esteem and confidence also has to do with how we view ourselves, our family background and history and what we have been fed into our mind set about ourselves. Some of the most beautiful women I know have had the their self confidence crushed and diminished by abusive partners. Confidence comes from our view of self - our ego or I.D., we can lack confidence due to not having the career we have worked so hard for, being fired from a job or not being able to find one, from not being able to conceive a child, from not having enough rest or having mental emotional problems, there are so many ways in which one can lack that air of confidence and present themselves as “sexy”. It can be very difficult to be in a relationship with anyone when we are not happy in ourselves. It can be impossible to get the validation you seek through another person when you can not even validate yourself. To that end no one should seek validation via another person, being happy and confident is something we should strive to achieve BEFORE entering a serous relationship however being human we often do not put the horse before the cart and find ourselves damaged entering a new relationship which can result in also damaging our partner and the relationship as a whole. Men do not want to enter into a party with a woman who feels down on herself. He wants to be with a woman who is proud of herself so he can be proud to be with her! 
Refusing compliments is one thing that can drive your man insane! He tries so hard to say the right things at the right time and not say the wrong things yet when he tells you that you are beautiful and you do not feel beautiful and reject his compliment he thinks it is his fault. Never ask your man to compare you to other women, especially his ex! Being easily jealous of other women, saying mean and catty things about them to deflect your own insecurity is so transparent! Stop these behaviors! Do what it takes to love yourself before you try to love another person. Get therapy, talk to friends. If weight is an issue for you and you do not like where you are at in size then stay on your diet and see a dietitian for a proper diet and exercise routine but try to consider yourself as a package! Do not think that losing 20 pounds is going to magically make you feel confident. Confidence is a learned behavior just as lack of is a pattern. You can lose weight, tone up and still feel self hatred. Self love is as much an emotional well being as a physical one! Remember - you must have had some sense of self worth and confidence when you met your man, otherwise you would not have felt good enough about yourself to go out with him! Find that woman you have lost inside of you and regain your self worth! 
Men fear us not having our own LIFE (making them our center of focus).
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Men want us to have a life of our own so they have something to talk to us about at the end of the day.
This one is pretty simplistic. Don’t make your man the center of your universe! Let them go out and have fun while you go out and have fun too! Don’t sit by the phone because you may miss his call! Don’t stop seeing your friends and doing the very things that make you - YOU! Don’t stop your hobbies and interests because those are the things that make you interesting! Don’t be afraid to do things separate from each other! Have fun, live life, do your own thing! At the end of the day or week or whenever you get together to be together you will have so much more to offer each other! Good relationships have room for growth and evolution in them and when you are involved in every single aspect of each others lives what do you have left to share with each other and talk about? Conversations die down fast when you did every single thing together! Be interesting! You can only talk about him for so long, he wants to hear about things you enjoy, things you learned, places you explored! Don't be an energy drainer be an energy charger! Don’t just communicate to him about all your girlfriends and their problems as we discussed in a paragraph above - be fun, talk about the good times! 
Here are two sentences - you tell me which one you think your man - or anyone for that matter - would rather hear: 
  1. “Oh I had such a great time at the theatre today! We say a great play and got front row seats!” 
  2. “OH MY GAWD Jenny was so hurt by Charles last night she called me and cried for hours about what he said to her!” 
Now I am not saying you can’t ever talk to your man about your friends and their problems but by all means you have to have something positive to bring to the table! 
On the same note if you and he do every thing together there leaves nothing really to explore in the others life to evolve the relationship.
Here again are examples:
  1. “I just saw this amazing movie with the girls, I would love to watch it with you - trust me its not a chick flick” 
  2. “Well that was a good movie we just saw sweetie - so what was your favorite part?”
Okay so I love to discuss movies with my husband and a lot of people love to talk about movies but in the big picture and to make an example the first statement sure is more of a relationship builder. While discussing what each of you did like and did not like in a movie can show common feelings and interests or be a joy killer when you do not agree on a movie lol the first one brings more into the mix. The first one still leads up to the eventual discussion of what you each thought and felt along with a shared experience brought into the relationship from a singular experience which makes your man feel you want him to enjoy the things you enjoy, allows him to get to know you better and shows him you considered what he likes and does not like. Shows him that even when you are out with the girls you thought of him and thought “wow he would love this movie I want him to experience this with me!” 
It is a more healthy way to look at your relationship as a whole. Singular experiences can be brought into shared experiences while still allow each other the freedom to have experiences alone or with friends. When you focus and center your entire life around his he feels stuck, over shadowed and at times fearful that you are trying to take him out of his own element and away from the things he enjoys and gives him very little to nothing to feed the relationship with from his own experiences. 
Men fear we will hold back our emotion due to FEAR.
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Men want us to be on the level with them and be able to handle them being on the level with us.
Alright ladies, we don’t want to come off as needy or desperate by telling a guy right off the bat how deep our emotions run for them but by the same token going too far the other direction is bad too. Guys worry that we will try playing games with them. Guys hate games. They worry we will be distant when we really want to be with them. They worry we will hold past relationships against them and lump them in with the last joker who broke our hearts. Your man is not a mind reader, unless he is -  but you know what I mean. They need to take cues from us and when we hold back or are resistant because we fear rejection from them they feel rejected by us! Its a downward spiral from there! Someone has to show some signals first for the other to take the hint from! Guys want us to be direct and honest, however they don't want us to be dramatic! It is perfectly fine to say “I think I am falling for you” it is not okay to say “I think I would die if you left me, I can’t live without you!” The first way is true and open and direct the second way diminishes you and makes you look like a stalker in the making! The other side of that is being able to listen to what they say in return and be able to handle it! Sometimes the silence in return is the worst. However if you want a man to remain open to communication with you and being able to talk about feelings you can not have your expectations so hard set that you won’t hear what he has to say. Especially not hearing the message he does NOT feel for you what you feel for him! It happens, more often than I would like to admit, two people do not always have the same passion for each other and one may be looking for marriage and the other for just good times. If you can’t accept the messages then don’t approach the subject but holding back feelings is only an opening to extend what will eventually end in a bad way anyway. Tell him how you feel, keep the drama out of it, and just be direct. If you ever noticed guys speak in a very direct way to each other - see the paragraph on DRAMA! Guys would like it if we women could be a little more direct and to the point without all the emotional overload in the mix. Okay we ARE women and we do tend to be more naturally dramatic and we would not want to change that after all we are drawn to the opposite sex for a reason however we could work on limitations when it comes to how much emphasis we put into our emotional conversations! 
All too often we ask, sometimes beg our men to express their feelings to us and all too often it is the source of an argument. We do not hear what we want to hear so we either cry, yell, break down or twist what they said into what we want it to be. This is not much different for guys than getting kicked in the testicles! Its the same cringing horrific effect! They let you in into their inner most fears, thoughts and feelings only for you to crush them in one way or another. Men allow their feelings to grow when they feel you can trust them and can take what they say and be respectful that they have feelings too and maybe their feelings are not yet where they need to be for commitment or to agree on something with you but it sure could get to that place a lot faster if they knew they could tell you exactly what they think and feel you and not get bashed or reprimanded for it. 
Men fear we will become pushy or CONTROLLING (know the difference between being empowered and being controlling).
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Men want us to be strong but not to use that “strength” to try to control things.
Again a pretty basic premiss. Guys don’t want us to take over their lives. They do not want to be TOLD what to do and when they can do it. They want to feel like MEN! They want to feel they can live the life they lived before short of course of dating other women but still be able to strut their feather and have a good time. Yes there are limitations and boundaries to what a single man can or should do versus one who is in a committed relationship obviously but all too often we try to clip their wings due to our own fears or lack of esteem. Now if you have read this much of this article you probably are now armed with the right tools to make a good relationship so that you do not do this to your man. There are reasons we become controlling one of them being low self worth, fear, low esteem, lack of trust all covered already in the article. We have read how confidence is sexy and we know that guys want a strong capable woman. When is it too much? When we take all that empowerment and shift it into the negative and become Generals toward them is when it has gone way too far. Barking orders, forbidding them to do this or that, telling them if they go with friends that you will withhold intimacy, saying you will leave them time and again and never doing it and all the “tricks of the trade” of the controlling woman and if you are one you know what the tricks are! Stop it! First thing you need to realize is if you are using these tactics to hold onto a man you already have lost him or never even had him! OR it is possible he loves you dearly but you are smothering him so much with your control issues that he will soon be out the door. You just can’t repair some things and this is one thing that is very hard to fix once it has gone too far! Once you try to treat a man like you have him on a leash there will never be a harmony in the relationship and you have lost the sense of balance of things. 
The type of man who WOULD allow you to treat him this way is the type who has no respect for himself and in the end you will get tired of him anyway because you yourself will lose any respect you have or had for him! 
Men fear we will become NIT PICKING, WHINEY, AND BITCHY.
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Men want us to be their lovers not their mothers.
Okay how simple can this one be right? Men do not want us to fix them, heal them, nurture them etc. Well maybe with exception of the Cancer sun sign! Cancer do tend to seek out life mates that remind them of their mothers. BUT in general most men do not want us to pick them apart and try to be their mommies. I really can not say this in a more detailed manner. We all do it to some degree and we say it is because we are concern or because we love them or are worried about them. Especially when it comes to matters of health as most men generally are really bad about going to see the doctor and such. The thing is your man is just that a man, he has been raised, and if for some reason he missed out on a few necessary life lessons it is now time for you to determine if these are character flaws and or traits you can accept and live with. Whining has to be the #1 dislike of men. Sure it can be CUTE sometimes but soon becomes very annoying and they will turn you right out! Bitching forget about it, I can’t say that I have ever seen bitching over a long term period making a relationship stick! Granted some men are turned on by bitchy women but that is a bit different - bitchy women tend to think highly of themselves, be high maintenance and demand attention which can be a turn on but by no means does that mean she bitches AT her man! I have to say though it is a rare breed of woman who can really pull this off and be successful at it and it is the rare breed of man who “gets off” on this type of personality. Good luck with the bitchiness if that is your style! Needless to say refrain from bitching, complaining, nit picking and by all means whining and you will find your relationship a lot stronger and longer lasting. If you don’t like your man the way he is trade him in on a new model! Yeah I know that sounds harsh and is easier said than done but I find this category a lot different from the categories where women feel hurt or rejected. That is an emotion that is very strong in us and makes us feel a need for validation and needs attention given to this woman to help her find her empowerment and strength again. Bitchy complaining and nit picking women usually are quite strong and just need to get a grip and realize they either need to accept their man as he is or cut him loose and find one who meets her needs and expectations! More often than not if a woman is doing these things and her man leaves her the reason is pretty obvious! 
Men fear we will intrude on their sense of SELF.
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Men want us to let them have fun with friends and not try to be involved in everything they do.
So many of these categories are so closely connected I am beginning to have deja vous in writing this. I could have sworn I have covered this already but in looking back I have not. It is just that so many other things come into play here and are so possible to cause us to try to halt a mans sense of self. Again, lack of self, fear, control issues, lack of trust - you see a repeating theme here I hope - some women will tend to try to take away a man’s sense of self through these other reasons. “I don’t want you to go out with the guys cause I don’t trust you.” “what if you meet someone else when you go out of town for work?” I could list a million ways in which we try to diminish our men to bring up our own confidence or even validate their feelings for us! If they truly love us they won’t do these things that scare us right!? Or if they really feel as much for us as we do for them then they won’t want to spend time away from us right?! NO!!!!!! 
Men need to be MEN and as covered in another section above need MAN time with friends! Also as covered in yet another section BOTH of you need time apart to add to the relationship value! Spending every living moment together only puts a halt in the evolution of the relationship as a whole, a relationship is not just based on shared experiences but also separate experiences to be communicated with each other! 
I am not going to write more on this section because I am becoming redundant and I think you get the point. 
Men fear we will try to take away their FREEDOM.
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Men want us to let them have some of their own secrets and privacy and lets be honest, we women sure have a few of our own secrets! 
Okay this is a bit different than previously covered although could easily be lumped in with the category above and a few others here I want to touch on what a man communicates with us. It is not just limited to freedom to go and do things and have friends but also the freedom NOT to share every waking thought feeling and emotion and not every dream with us. Sometimes a man needs to just let something brew and simmer and stew in his mind before sharing it with us. Sometimes a man takes longer to process a thought or feeling than his female partner! Most of the time men need to feel they have a little something left tucked away for just themselves! There is something very primitive in the men ego that says he has to shield something for only himself and have his own secret world even if only in his mind. Some men when all of their inner ale ego has been stripped from them by a controlling partner will find his secret self in another identity online or in an affair! It’s clearly NOT always the woman’s fault when a man does this obviously but sometimes it is! If you have pushed your man so far to get into his inner most secrets, desires, fears, thoughts, emotions and have stripped him of every fiber of primitive need to have that sacred space in his own mind to himself then it is likely he is going to go somewhere else to get that sense of “mental freedom”. Let your man have his fantasies! After all fantasies are just that - desires and more often than not the man does not even WANT those fantasies in his life - does not want them to become his reality! That would take away from the fantasy as a whole and make it meaningless to him! A fantasy is a harmless thing unless you are very hurt by it but if you do not press to know it you can’t be hurt! Now if your man is calling out another woman’s name in his sleep then that is a whole different can of worms! However I actually have known a woman who was so insecure she literally badgered and pushed her man to the point he told her everything and it was NOT in a nice way that it came out! He felt so degraded and frustrated that he lashed out telling her things she never needed to hear or know as he never would nor never did act on them yet he also embellished and added in more things he never really did consider or want! JUST for the sake of teaching her a hard lesson. She did not learn from it nor did their marriage last. Okay so that is worst case scenario of course but I have seen this done on a lower extreme and it is damaging and hurtful to both parities. Just let your man have his little secrets and he will let you have yours! 
Men fear we will play GAMES with them.
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Men want us to not try to “get them” by being sneaky, lying, backstabbing etc.
This is a big one because women do this all the time! Do NOT tell your man it is over if you do not mean it and do not intend to follow through with it! Do NOT tell your man you do not love him when you still do and do not tell your man you do not care what he does when you clearly still care! Playing games is THE number one relationship breaker! It takes every category above and combines them into one VERY big and VERY ugly thing! It brings your fears, insecurities, lack of trust or being trust worthy right out into the open. It shows you are trying to control and a total lack of respect for him or yourself. It is disempowering and shows you have very little dignity. And it is point and case he can do absolutely anything he wants and you will come right back to him! Refrain from trying to get your friends to get messages to him if he has cut off communication. This isn’t high school! Don’t call his mother, his sister, his brother or his aunt or anyone in his family to try to get closer to him or back at him! Don’t publicly embarrass him! Don’t write evil things on his Myspace, Facebook or other social networking site. Don’t make idle threats and don’t withhold sex unless you don’t care for sex much anyway in which case we probably have another ball of wax to unwrap! 
Just don’t do this stuff ... its stilly and just wrong. 
Men fear being TRAPPED.
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Men do not want us to use our mental ability to get them to make promises they can not keep.
Alright - last category! Whew its been a long read for you and a long write for me. 
Okay so men are not necessarily geared to dream of the big white wedding. They are not sitting there at 10 years old thinking of what tux they will wear with a dreamy look in their eyes they way we little girls play dress up and dream of our perfect wedding dress! 
Guys like a bit more freedom and variety in their youth and young adult hood and women seem to be always looking for THE ONE. Its okay ladies I know there are some of you out there that really DON’T seek your white knight on a white stallion to ride up and sweep you off your feet but alas I am writing for the masses. The idea is that we do tend to push men at times to make a commitment long before they are really ready and in doing so we set expectations for them they can’t honestly live up to! Now this category is not about the pregnancy trap which is just plain wrong - the baby bandage never holds up for long and even if it holds up does not a happy marriage make. I am speaking of the mental mind warp we can toss on a man to literally make him bend over backwards just to hold onto us long enough to figure out for himself IF we are THE ONE and in doing so we usually prove to him the exact opposite! If you have to beg, push, trick, connive or otherwise mind warp your man into the commitment you are simply asking for trouble! If a man knows in his heart you are the one for him he will ACT as such as long as you have not been doing any number of the above to him. Sometimes a man really just is not sure even as much as he may love you! Love is a messed up crazy thing and especially for men at times. A man can love you with all of his heart and every fiber of his being and all he is humanly capable of loving anyone however that may not be enough! There may be underlying reasons such as any number of reasons above OR he simply is not the marrying or commitment kind of guy and worse off he may still be sewing his wild oats or looking to see if the grass is greener elsewhere! 
It is possible that he simply is not the one for you and if you are sitting there saying Oh yes he IS THE ONE for me then maybe YOU are not THE ONE for him! If you have to use games to get him he is not yours! Men will make promise they can not keep sometimes because they are not fully aware they can’t keep them because deep down they really want to, sometimes because they love you and fear losing you as much as you fear losing them yet they know there are many obstacles to work through before marriage or commitment should even be on the table! Sometimes this sometimes that but deferring to mind games, tricks and manipulation is never the answer.
Now that I have taken you hopefully willing and not kicking and screaming through this myriad of fears and desires men have let me now tell you the mystery to WHY women do not listen! 
I can sum it up in ONE word! 
FEAR
Women FEAR rejection
Women FEAR not being validated
Women FEAR not being able to control
Women FEAR their men will look at other women or cheat on them
Women FEAR letting their men have a sense of self
Women FEAR they are not good enough
Women FEAR a man will not tell them how they really feel
Women FEAR that a man is holding back due to this excuse or that - most of the time making excuses for their men when really it is nothing more than an excuse and never a valid reason! 
Women FEAR being left for another
Women FEAR he will put his friends or family first
Women FEAR he won’t come home
Women FEAR he won’t chose her
Women FEAR he does not feel the same way she does
Women FEAR he won’t include her
Women FEAR if only she can help him heal him or fix him he would love her more
Women FEAR he will forget about her if she is not there when he calls
Women FEAR if they say no he will find someone who will say YES! 
Women FEAR not being the top of his list
Women FEAR he may find a better woman
Women FEAR he may move for a job
Women FEAR just about everything that is possible to fear.
I could of course continue this list however the point is clear. FEAR is the woman’s #1 enemy. Fear is the most worthless energy to expend in any situation and will put boundaries and road blocks before you time and again.
Remember as the saying goes: 
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”  Franklin D. Roosevelt

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Azzrian

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