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Thursday, February 25, 2010

Equality of Emotion

When I was young my mother told me something about love. At the time I remember absolutely hating what I heard. I did not want to believe what she was saying but perhaps in my youth I was not focused enough to hear the real message. What she said to me was: “In every relationship someone always loves someone more than the other.” 

My thought was that love should be equal, love should be totally balanced and the flow of emotion should go both ways like a current of energy that never stops, pauses or ends. 
Now that I am older, and much wiser and have worked with energy at a professional level for over 20 years I understand what she really meant! 

Its true, someone always loves someone more than the other in some ways! 
Because love is so subjective to each person’s own human needs, emotions, desires, personal experiences in the past and so on, each person loves in their own way and style. 
This is not to say if you feel deep passionate, never ending and unconditional love for someone that then they can not possibly love you as much. What this is to say is that we all show our love in different ways and put more emphasis in the areas we can, feel more natural at and even more often than not in the ways we personally would like to feel the love from the other person! 
Let’s take a side journey here together. 
~  Lets say that you have to purchase a gift for someone. There are two types of gift givers. Those who purchase things they personally like and would like to show and share with another person, something they want to introduce someone to, something they enjoy so much in their life that they want to let those they care about experience the same joy. Perhaps this works and sometimes it fails as the receivers personality may just simply not enjoy the same things you do but at least you get some feeling of happiness by trying to expand their world or vision.
Then there are the gift givers who buy gifts they know for sure the receiver will love and cherish! They want only for the receiver to be happy and have a guarantee that they will simply love the gift. 
One style of gift giving is no more or less”giving”! In other words the person who buys things they like and want to share with their loved ones is no less a giving person than the gift giver who buys what they know the receiver will adore. Its not a matter of being selfish to buy things you personally love and enjoy as it is a means of sharing a small part of oneself. And the person who wants to be sure the receiver loves their gift is not an insecure person hoping only for acceptance of the receiver they simply just want to make the ones they care about happy. Both types of people want to do their best and it is only a matter of difference in how they express their care for another. ~ 
Sharing feelings in a relationship is not much different except there are a million and one different ways in which emotions and love can be expressed and shared. Its not quite as basic as gift giving but the same rules apply.
The key is to learn and understand how your loved one shares and experiences love so that you do not feel things are so unequal but rather that love can be expressed and shared at different levels in different ways. 
The problems usually arise and someone feels hurt or neglected or “unloved” or unappreciated when they are not receiving love from their partner in the same way they give therefore not in the same way they like to receive. People tend to think that their way to express love is the only way and overlook the different ways in which their loved one truly IS showing expression of their own love and passion. Just because it is a different focus on love or emotion does not make it any less love! 
There are also so many categories for love to be expressed. To name a few:
Romantic Passion
Alone Time
Shared Interests
Lets look at these areas. I am a person who can be easily distracted, in my work I have to remain so focused and keep my energy balanced and also being an empath I have to be careful about all the energies in and out of my home with teen kids and their friends! There are times I do not show my love toward my husband in the means of focus or attention and by the time my work day is done, and I have focused on my children my energy is so out of wack that I really need to retreat and go inward, aside from doing balancing of my energy and meditation for my work. 
If he did not understand this about me he may, like many people, feel that I do not love him as much as he loves me because honestly he showers me with attention as that is his number one way of showing love. I also know that not only because this is his method of showing love but also due to his personality and sun sign he needs equal if not more attention and focus from me and that is one major area in which I probably lack for him. However I love him with all my heart! Understanding each others ways in expressing love and ways in wanting to receive love is very helpful because not only can you then strive to give and receive in a manner which feels good to both people but you can also accept the short comings of the person you love, as my hubby has had to adjust for me. Besides that really shows even more so how much you love each other! When you can adjust and communicate about it! 
Some people express love with words (communication) some with actions (servitude) and some with surprises (gifts) these are just a few of the items from the list above. 
Take time to notice how you like to show your love for someone then take time to notice how that special someone tends to show their expression of love to you. While you may be the type of person who shows love via actions such as doing nice things for them, making plans, cooking them a wonderful dinner, leaving love notes and so on THEY may be more the type to show their love via words! They may like to SAY wonderful things and tell you a million times they love you and tell you how beautiful you are or how wonderful you make them feel. Now take it to another level, what if they are a action person and doing all these things for you but you are someone who needs to HEAR the WORDS? What if you are an action person and you are a word person and THEY need action not words? 
You see the dynamics of love are different for everyone and its not so simple. Before you think you are the one more in love with your mate or fear that their love is not equal to your love perhaps you can do a little research and talk to them and find out their love EQ (emotional quotient) so to speak. 
Your partner’s love may stem from a need from their own past, perhaps in their childhood their parents were very traditional and did not show openly their desire for one and other, perhaps they did not hold hands or did not give kisses often. However they may have had a long happy and strong marriage. Perhaps your mate learned about loyalty and protection love more than physical love. Perhaps your mate grew up in a very expressive family both in the sense of love and disagreements! Perhaps due to this your mate learned Romantic Passion which we know passion can go both ways, and a fiery heart can become passionate about a feeling they have in romance or in arguments! As long as we are not talking emotional, mental or physical abuse the passionate partner sure can spark life into a relationship with healthy debates and sharing of thought feeling and opinion! I remember my grandparents would get into some heated debates where grandpa would raise his voice a bit and when I would say they were arguing grandpa would say in an equally loud voice: “We’re not arguing we’re DISCUSSING!” 
It never upset me as a child though because they really were NOT arguing and they both derived passion in healthy disagreement and I would bet anything that passion carried over into the bed room.
Some people need more alone time with their loved one, weekend get aways at a bed and breakfast, a quiet evening at home cuddled on the sofa watching movies, not going out socializing and showing each other off to friends. If you are this way but your partner is not then perhaps you feel ignored or that you are last on their list while they are wishing you would go out more often so you can be that awesome couple arm in arm showing all their friends how lucky they are! 
It all comes down to what areas in which your significant other shows their love the most, what they do and what they also need from you in return! 
The lesson here overall though is that there is no real true equality in love. Someone always DOES in fact love someone more than the other in some way shape or form but that does not mean that the love is not overall equal! The exception to the rule would be if all possible categories, and there are many, I only covered a few, lined up exactly the same for both people both in the giving and the receiving areas. 
Here is a fun quiz to take with your loved one, bear in mind this is not a scientific study and I did not do any research on the effectiveness of the outcomes of this test but none the less can lead to some good conversation between the two of you and also perhaps some better understanding of each other.
The Quiz:
Print out a copy of the following for each of you then mark your answers.
Put an X by each item you feel you use to show love. Be honest because your partner may not agree with your selections! 
Put an O by each item you would like for your partner to express to show you love. Of course in a perfect world we want all of the things listed below but try to be conservative and only choose the most important to you. If you are like me and can’t help but check them all then number then in order! 
Once done share your answers with your partner! Be ready and able to laugh and have fun - this is not a test! There really are no wrong answers because there are no “wrong” ways to love on this list! 
If you find you have a lot of similar answers but have been feeling a disconnection from your mate then talk about it. If you notice that your answers do not match up so well and you are not expressing the way they need and they are not showing the way you need then talk about it and I will promise that you will change a little for them and they will change a little for you! 
Most of all use this time to do this quiz with each other not as a threat or argument but as a fun and playful expression that you care enough to find out how they feel! I recommend doing this quiz in bed! : ) 
Romantic Passion - the sharing and exchange of emotion via lovemaking, playfulness,
healthy debate, physical interaction such as hand holding, kissing, open expression of affection toward each other. 
Protection - Making sure your loved one has all things they need, security and stability. Taking your partner’s side and defending them and their honor. Making sure that their future is safe should something happen to you - financial stability. Watching out for them, making sure that they make it home safe from work, their car is running well, that they get up on time or get enough rest. 
Loyalty - Being true to your partner, sometimes even so much you do not even feel the desire to look at another person of the opposite sex. Feeling you can not imagine yourself with someone else. Siding with them against others even if you do not agree and taking it up with them later in private, having their back. 
Communication - The need to talk things over with your mate, expressing your thoughts, feelings, desires, hopes, dreams, fears, insecurities, wishes etc. Telling them how much you love them, saying I Love You’s, telling them how important they are to you, how they make you feel, what you want to plan with them in the future etc. 
Surprises - The little things mean a lot to you, you love to give and or receive gifts that show you know your loved one deep down. Tickets to a game or theatre production, a home cooked meal, a nice romantic diner out, week end get aways for just the two of you, gifts no matter if hand made by yourself or an expensive watch bought at the jewelers. Throwing them a surprise party on their birthday. Drawing them a bubble bath and watching the kids so they can have a nice relaxing retreat. The more you can DO that will surprise them the better! 
Alone Time - Spending time alone with your loved one is very important. You enjoy anything that gives you two time to bond as a couple. A hike in the woods, a walk by the shore, “camping” in the back yard, sipping wine on the patio, cuddling up on the sofa for a movie night at home, reading a book together, showering with each other, making home cooked meals as a couple. These are examples of the type of person who needs “alone time” to feel loved or express love.
Shared Interests - Some couples feel closest when they have common interests. Some couples get very excited about a sports team, wearing matching shirts to the game even if watching from home or a friends home. Being on a pool or bowling league together, belonging to a book club, movie buffs who love to discuss the movie afterwards with each other, going to museums, gardening, auto repair, music or travel. Obviously we want to have some things in common with out loved one but these couples who focus more on this area of love really need to feel a team effort, that bond that comes from really working with each other for a common interest or goal. Couples like this often do well working in a business together! 
Servitude - Doing all those little things for the one you love. Getting them their slippers at the very mention of them having cold feet, making them a snack as soon as they say they feel hungry, going to the store to get their favorite ice cream when they notice they are out, tossing their shirt in the laundry for them when they are busy with other things and you know they need to get that done before morning. The little things that actually take quite a bit of focus and effort to some mean everything! 
Other - feel free to write in your OWN expression of or need for demonstration of love! Do not feel you are subject only to this list as these are only a few of the many ways people can show their love or want to be loved! 



  1. Madam Angle,
    Excellent and really, very practical words for love.if love is understood well then it's a blessing.But our conditionings from childhood do not let us make it understand well,we only remain in pretension.For example,As we listen from our mother,father,elders,-that love us,because i m your mother,father or elder. we agree that love is our duty and start to pretend it.and in fact, we are lost till we don't understand what is love without pretension and I LOVE YOU means I m you and you are me.it does not mean that our parents,elders remain wrong to us,in fact,they did and are doing with their all well wishes but with unawakened consciousness for love.and we learn to love as a duty and condition but with pretension and without feelings and knowing its real understanding.


    This topic needs to be highlighted as maximum as possible. because the way, you have explained love, it can prove bliss to the people who will try to understand it,learn from it and then make their conclusions and if they want they can adopt this awakening and the message will spread automatically by God's Grace.
    I think, in the society, everyone needs love like anything. and internally, everyone remains in search of true love for inner peace and real silence.-- BUT people remain misguided on this subject and couldn't clear the clouds to see the sun shine.
    May God enlighten you more and more to describe love in detailed and short way with simple language to be understood very easily.
    But one special thing i find in your writings, i feel to meditate when i read them because i feel silence inwards waiting the next sentence to read.I don't know when you speak,what it is.

  2. Rakesh thank you for sharing your feelings with everyone who may read. You have made some very good points and I will keep in mind your words for future articles!

  3. Thank you for the time you took to write this article.
    For me it serves as a scaffold, an example of a map that further unfolds my own attention to the vital element of love:
    How is love both expressed and perceived through "me"? What is this me that I speak from? What is it composed of?what does "it" need? Surely the ability to discern and remember must be present.
    Some of the forms, or patterns of love that you give name to here, serve me as resting stones, landing places for contemplation as I ask myself what is love?
    How do I express the love I feel?
    In what form do I most deeply feel love's presence?
    Communication is important to me as is a common project with my partner/friend. The place and quality/form I need of communication came into greater focus as I paused and took in your article Azz.
    When you speak of a love of servitude, protection, those words conjure up in me associations. I am able to consider what you put forth because I have seen examples of that expression of love in myself and others.
    I remember reading Erich Fromm's book at a young age:" The Art of Loving." That reading also offered a way of approaching/understand/knowing/naming love.
    I am grateful for this space where we can speak and share and learn together and feel the trust to speak our truth.

  4. Susana,
    Thank you - your words are beautiful, delightful and I so appreciate you sharing this with my readers and myself!


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